Becoming a Mother Afterall

Okay, so I think I am going to remove the password protection and just keep her pictures, or at least the majority of them, on Ainsley's photoblog. A few people already have the user name and password for it and if you end up wanting it, please just email me.

Jenn made an interesting comment. It makes sense, Jenn. Why would someone want to password protect their blog just to keep the creep-os from looking at their child when they could (and inevitably will) see them in public? I don't quite know how to answer that except to say that I feel like I have some control on who is looking at her in public. (at least at this age) With her pictures on the internet, I can't *see* who is looking at her and when. The hair just stands up on my arms thinking about it, really. I am not sure where this fear comes from, but I could give you some background on when I realized how many predators there really are out there.

In college, my undergraduate degree was in Social Work and Sociology. The FBI agent who arrested a famous pop star here in Las Vegas many years ago at a local hotel for various things, along with a disgusting set of child pornography, said that it made him sick to see some of the things he found in his hotel room. He, of course, did not disclose all of that information and I am certainly not attempting to piss off any fans out there. Personally, I think he has gotten away with so many horrible things all because of money and fame. He is a waste of breath.

Anyway, the same FBI agent told us that he began working many years ago for a unit that handled sexual predators and he began investigating many local cases of child predators. He began researching their behaviors, documenting the similarities, and looking for clues on how to catch other predatory criminals. One thing he said he learned when talking to another agent who apparently had, at that time, written a book on child predators, was that if you really open your eyes . . . you will see they are everywhere. The local fast-food joint, the street outside an elementary school, the mall, anywhere. The agent began taking note of men that loitered around establishments that housed children. He went to 10 local casino arcades and watched men standing outside many of them, staring at children. He took notes, observed behaviors. He became so aware of what he was seeing that later that month at his 7-year old daughter's soccer game, he noticed a man taking pictures of the game and he realized he was not a father of any of the girls. He approached the man. He asked who he was taking pictures of. The man ran. He was tackled by the agent and two other fathers. He had a long rap sheet and was arrested that very day. The photos? All zoomed in pictures of the lower half of the girls. Horrifying.

So, for one of my final projects, I chose five local places that I thought were public enough that I could observe without being noticed and places that all had varying ages of children around. I chose a local mall, a toy store, a large city park, a municipal swimming pool, and an after school program at a Boys and Girls Club. I went to each location at least 5 times over a two month period and at different times of the day. Sometimes I saw nothing out of the ordinary. But as time passed, I picked up on a few things. At the park, I took notice of a young, handsome man walking his dog on three different occasions. Each time, he started a conversation with a group of boys playing basketball. It was almost as if he steered his way to the courts to get their attention. Could have been nothing, but it could have been everything. There were other instances where I couldn't be sure, but that I just *had that feeling* that something was off with the person.

At school this year, we have had two instances where someone came on campus and attempted to approach a student. In one case, the man entered a portable classroom that was unlocked and grabbed the girl nearest to the door and drug her out. The teacher was able to wrestle the girl away and the police were called. He was, indeed, a parent of another girl at our location, but he said, "He thought the girl was his daughter." It wasn't. Because our school is under construction, I also approached a construction worker at the beginning of school that was clearly oogling two of my female students. I gave him the tongue lashing of a lifetime and reported him to his supervisor. I wasn't sure he would do anything, so I called the company, too, later that afternoon. Needless to say, I haven't seen him since.

Maybe I am overeacting some, but I just feel like it is my duty to protect Ainsley from these horrible people as best as I can. I know some other online friends only show pictures of their child when their face is turned. Some simply show them for a few hours and then remove the picture. To each their own. I am fine with whatever choices everyone makes. But for me, I just feel more comfortable knowing to some degree who is looking at her and for how long. Even in public, as I said above, it is hard to really see who is watching. And I know it is highly unlikely that anyone would be prowling blogs for pictures of babies. But I just have to say, "What if?" and treat her as precious cargo. She is the biggest piece of me and carries my heart. If I could always keep her safe, I would. Feasibly, this is something I do have some power over right now, so I will do my best to keep her sacred.

Okay, Grey's is getting ready to come on. I will work on the blog tomorrow. In the meantime, let me know your thoughts or if you would like a password to her photoblog. Happy Thursday!

Okay, either no one is reading me anymore or everyone has upgraded their browsers to IE7 and has lost their user name and password to access this site. I am feeling a little whiney and pouty and I wish I could logically figure out a way to have unresticted readers without the worry that some freako will be looking at pictures of my daughter. I guess I could just use her blog for the pictures and give everyone the password to that . . . I don't know. I just miss the days when I felt like I had more commentary going on. Am I that boring now that I am a Mom?

Anyway, for those who guessed, great guesses! But her first "real" word was FISH! She has one of these aquariums strapped to the side of her crib and we are constantly pointing out her fish and saying, "Goodnight fish!" and "Good morning fish!" She picked up on it and "fish" is now her new word. :-)

I welcome any ideas on the password protection issue . . .

For a while now, Ainsley has said, "Mama" and whispers "Dada". There was a time she said them for no reason. She even went through a phase where she said "Mama" to her bottle. But for the past month or so, she knows who Mama and Dada are and she calls for us specifically without any hesitation. So . . . technically, those were her first words.

But this morning, after a few mornings that I was almost sure she was going to say it, she said her first real word, in a whisper, as if she was shocked it came out of her mouth, and then she looked and me and grinned, repeating it louder the second time.

Because it's Friday and I am bored, I am going to copy Cat's game and see if anyone can guess what the word was. (Hint: She said it to/about something in her crib.)

Ten *New* Things that I Love About My Daughter:
1. Seeing those four pearly whites when she smiles. It is almost as if she knows to show them off!
2. Watching her listen intently to my commands. "Ainsley, can I have the book?" She focuses on me, then on the book in her hand, and then slowly hands it to me.
3. The way she "kisses" the duck while in the bathtub. "Ainsley! Kiss the duck!" She smiles but can't quite pucker her lips, so she just open-mouths the duck's head.
4. Her newfound independence while crusing the furniture is amazing. She doesn't even hold on anymore, just slightly grazes one hand over the couch cushions and walks from Daddy to Mommy, switches sides, and then from Mommy to Daddy.
5. Her happy scream, which has turned into the loudest thing I have ever heard! Her favorite person to scream at is Hunter, her new friend at daycare. They actually chase each other around the room, screaming and laughing hysterically.
6. The way she now lets us take her clothes off at night and also dress her in the mornings. As long as she has a book to look at, a wipe to swing in the air, or a off-key song from her Mom and Dad, all is good.
7. Spitting up has slowed down A LOT! Ya-hoo!
8. The way she signs the word "more". I haven't been signing with her and I am not 100% sure how I feel about it, but the one sign, "More?" she has picked up from watching another teacher and boy at daycare. I started doing it at home a few weeks ago at dinner and she signs it by putting her fingers to her lips. She signs "More!" for her fruit puffs, her favorite flavor being Sweet Potato or Peach.
9. The way she closes her eyes right before her butt hits the floor or right before she is about to hit her head on something. (toy, book, etc.) She knows it may hurt and she flinches - it is funny!
10. Lastly, I love the way she curls my hair around her fingers at night when I am rocking her to sleep. For the past few nights, she has signaled to us she is ready for bed by standing up while holding onto the rocking chair, reaching for her bottle, and moaning, "nnnnnnnnn". We say "night, night" to her when we turn off the lights, so I think she could be 'saying' that.

This age has held so many new discoveries. I remember in the beginning how she changed and grew so quickly and now it seems every time I turn around, she is not quite the same little girl she was 10 minutes before that. Tomorrow we are going here to try out a class for her age group. I am so excited because I reached out to another Mom in our daycare and she is going to meet us there.

Feeling blessed today . . .

This Smiles-by-Wire thing is pretty nifty. I would have ordered it before when we got her pictures done, but I didn't even know it existed.

(*Pictures removed.) These were taken last weekend for her 9-month pictures. It was really hard to get her to stay in place, so of course we have a lot of funny ones of her crawling. I looked at the guy and said, "Could you please give her something?" He threw a teddy bear out there and she picked it up and looked at it like, "What the hell is this thing??" The flowers were more interesting and had more to study . . very intensely, apparently.

All is going okay here. I promise I will try to post something with a little more "meat" soon. Look for upcoming posts on our latest discussion on baby #2** (no, not pregnant, but starting to 'think' about the next one) and how our educational system is failing my students. Oh yeah, and one on my extended dysfunctional family drama. It just might make you feel like your own is . . . not so crazy.

**Might I add that I am being really positive about actually having another baby. There is a huge part of me that worries I may never have another because I will miscarry again and again, like before. So, all this talk is the optimist in me, I guess.

Dear Ainsley,

You are 9 months old today, sweetie. As soon as your Daddy rolled over this morning, he whispered birthday wishes in the general direction of your room. As soon as he finished, as if you could hear him all the way down the hallway, you sat up in your crib and said, "Dada?" When you say "Dada", you always whisper it, like it is your secret that you love him so much. When you say, "Mama", you scream it. (smile)



At 9 months, you are definitely testing the waters already! You began crawling the Saturday after Thanksgiving and since then, you have been cruising the furniture around the house. Yesterday I actually found you pulling yourself up on a bra I had drying from the laundry room doorknob. Silly Mommy. I even gave your playgym to your daycare today because you pulled yourself up on it last night and then not-so-gracefully toppled over and bumped your head on the wall. Everyone here has bets on when you will take your first independent steps. I am betting you will give your Daddy and I a Valentine's Day present and do it around then.



On the way home from daycare yesterday, I heard slapping noises coming from the backseat and I thought you were hitting yourself in the head. At the next red light, I turned around and saw the sweetest sight: you have learned how to play pattycake. Now you clap when you are happy, you clap to get our attention, and you clap at the dog, who loves you in her own special way, I am sure.



On Wednesday we went up to your Daddy's school so he could show you off to all his coworkers and his students. They all thought you were amazingly beautiful and each one commented on how much you looked like your Daddy. He was beaming ear to ear. That night you pulled the blanket off the couch and held it up to your face, pulling it down a few seconds later, yelling, "Aghhh!" It took your parents a few minutes to realize you were playing Peek-a-boo! We asked your teachers and they said they had been teaching the children in your room that. Now you play peek-a-boo with a shirt on the floor or anything else that even remotely covers your face. This morning you even picked up an extra baby wipe off the floor and played peek-a-boo with that. It is one of the cutest things I have seen you do thus far.

Your favorite toys right now include the remote control (minus the batteries) and your plastic blocks Mommy got you when you were little. You still love your Elephant book that makes noises the most. You love being naked and having your hair washed, but you hate getting dressed, having your nose wiped, and the vacuum cleaner. You won't tolerate your swing anymore and your exersaucer, which you used to love so much, now frustrates you because you can't get out of it to cruise around. When you are angry, you hit your legs or slap hands away. When you are happy, you giggle loudly, belt out happy screams, and spit a lot.



While I knew when you were born how much I loved you, it still overwhelms me some to actually realize what you mean to your father and I. Whether I am blowing raspberries on your belly, combing your hair, or trying to get you to cuddle with me, I love the way you make me feel when I am with you. Like I am looking in on a smaller version of myself. You are the most beautiful, amazing child and I could not be more blessed than I am right now.

Happy birthday, sweetie.
Love, Mommy

I know how much you wanted to hear about how Ainsley is sick again, right? God my measily 6 weeks of breastmilk must have been like tap water to her. I actually don't know if she is sick-sick or if it is teething-sick. Her nose is running up a storm and she has a slight cough. We were up a lot last night. Does anyone else still get up in the middle of the night (sometimes for no apparent reason) to comfort their nearly 9-month old? I was so hoping those days were over! (not the having to comfort her, but the solid sleep pattern we had for, oh, 8 weeks or so. . . . sigh . . . )

Anyway, we had some gift cards to *cash in* today, so we made our way through one of the more fancy, touristy malls here in LV. I went into Children's Place because Ainsley has now grown out of all 6-9 month clothing and even some 12-month things, so I am looking for 12-18 month outfits and 18 month outfits. I browsed through the sale rack and picked out a few things and did what I always do while trying to talk to her, pick up her sippy cup off the floor 456 times, and put her socks back on . . . I hung the clothes on the stroller as I walked around.

Yeah.

Made it all the way to the parking garage with baby in tow (and husband) before I realized that I had some rather cute outfits still hanging from the stroller. It is truly a miracle I don't leave the house in my pajamas, I swear.

Oh dear Lord I am tired.

My 12-hour a night sleeper is still sleeping 12 hours, but wakes up every few hours to scream and tell me in baby language how much it sucks that her teeth are coming in, that she can now get up on her knees in the crib and see the floor (and much worse, the door, which is closed and Mommy and Daddy aren't coming in it, so she screams more) and she screams just to scream.

Yesterday there was one tooth in the morning. At bedtime there was two. Who knew a tooth could move that fast??

We are officially on vacation, my husband until January 2nd and me until January 16th. Why is it that I am always more tired on vacation than when I am working? Is my daughter going to sleep again regularly anytime soon or should I get back to napping at the same time as her because that is all I am going to get?

Final question for my dear friends . . . her "teacher" suggested I bring her in a few times while on vacation because she wants her to stay in the daycare routine, etc. Plus she really loves being able to play with the other kids. Most of the kids are on vacation, so in her room it would just be her and the two boys she loves. But I feel guilty even considering this!! Would it be wrong of me to take her next week for two days for a few hours?

I am in a funk and that really sucks since it is Christmas time and I should be happy and excited and . . . merry. Below I have composed a list which I will entitle, "All Things That Make Me Scroogish and Un-Merry When I Should Be Otherwise".

1. My husband is sick. Again. And he is never sick. And when he is sick, he turns into this whiney version of Bart Simpson and I really just want to choke him because he wants help, but then doesn't accept it, but then wants Harry and David soup, but then says that it made him sick, but then he wants chicken, but then he doesn't eat it.

2. Ainsley's vocabulary has changed and I am starting to feel a little jealous of Mr. Bottle. She was saying very specifically, "Mama!" and "Dada!" to us. And "Ppppppp" for our dog, whom we tenderly refer to as a puppy even though she is older than God. She also said "bababa" for her bottle. When she has her bottle, she lovingly twirls it around and moans softly to it and then teases it a little and then shoves it in her mouth and pulls it out, stares at it, and laughs at it like it is her friend. Now? Now she screams, "MAMAMAMAMA!" at her bottle. "Bababa" is no longer apparent and of course "Dada" is still sticking around. Me? I am just that lady who wipes her butt.

3. There has been a change in administration at my school this year and to make a long story short, I am having difficulties adjusting to a new personality at my school. And I think she is out to get me. She has so far caught me on a multitude of things that she says I am doing incorrectly and today I balled my eyes out for half an hour because her comments make me second-guess myself and I shouldn't have to do that. My kid's test scores show so much growth. Apparently she thinks that is just a fluke. How is it that in one day I have two parents tell me that I have been the changing factor in their child's education and how they appreciate my hard work, but then she tells me that I don't engage my children during a lesson. WTF? I had perfect evaluations two weeks ago from the other administrator. And now half the school is ready to leave because she is hounding them about these miniscule, tiny things.

4. Ainsley is teething up a storm and is super-cranky. One tooth has broken through and the second is right there behind it. I am exhausted from not getting enough sleep because she wakes up crying a few times here and there, which in turn wakes me up.

5. I can't remember #5.

6. I need new brakes on the 4 Runner and I am stretched too thin because of Christmas.

7. MY Dad came and installed gates on our stairs for the baby, but he had to rig them a certain way because our stairs don't accomodate the gates well. Now I am worried she is going to go flying down the stairs. She pulled herself up last night on the bannister and then screamed because she couldn't figure out how to get down.

I am worn out . . .

Dear Ainsley,

You are 6 months old today, pumpkin! Six months ago today, right about now, I had dried my eyes for the upteenth time that day and the doctor called me on his phone from another surgery to talk to me about the possibility about having a c-section with you. To be honest, I was tired of having all of those nurses and people poke me and check me and I wanted so badly to see your face. I was disappointed, but it didn't matter, sweetie. A little after 9 pm, I got the best gift of all when I got to see your beautiful face and cover you with kisses.

These six months have gone fast. You have changed so much just in the past few weeks, it is unbelievable. You started daycare a few weeks ago. I cried all the way to work that morning. (Well, and on some subsequent mornings. Okay, so I still cry.) But you love your teachers Ms. Nina and Ms. Kristi. They have a lot of experience with little girls, as they have many of their own. At daycare, you painted your first picture yesterday. It is a masterpiece and I am already convinced you are going to be the next Van Gogh. As soon as they take it down from the hallway, I am framing it and putting it in the house for everyone to see.

These days you love to play with your toys. Your favorites are stackable rings and any kind of ball, as long as it rolls and you can stick it in your mouth. You are still in love with the dog, Chloe, and when we say, "Where's the puppy?" you look for her. In your exersaucer, you bop up and down to the music and follow the dog around the house and scream at her in hopes that she will come and lick your face. One of these days you will get a hold of her tongue and she is never going to speak to you again. You also like to look up at Daddy on the second floor and have recently started holding your arms out to us.


Crawling has become your new goal, but at the expense of your cheeks and knees, which are red and rough from all the face-diving and scrunching along. You have recently begun holding your bottles and yesterday morning, you threw it across the room and then attempted to go and get it, screaming, "babababababababa!" Was it bottle? Who knows. Then you angrily looked at me and screamed, "mummmmmmmummmmmm". Was it Mom? I think you know. Dad thinks it is a coincedence. He immediately picked you up and said, "Say Daddy! Say Daddy!"

I have said it before and I will say it again. Your Dad and I's lives have been enriched by you. You are such a happy, sweet soul who makes me a better person. I curse the red lights I hit when I am going to pick you up everyday and I can never seem to get there quick enough. Seeing you light up when you wake up in the morning is the best thing. And lately, our nights together of gentle rocking, celtic music, and whispering sweet nothings in your ears are moments I would not trade for the world.

You are my angel. It felt like it took forever to get you here and now that you are, I cherish every.single.moment. There is a line in a movie called "City of Angels" where an angel relinquishes his eternal life to be with the woman he loves. For me, I hear the line that is said in that movie over and over, and I have told you it before, through my tears when I am overwhelmed with how much I love you. "I would give it all up for you", sweet Ainsley.

I look forward to seeing how much more of a little lady you become in these next few years. I love you so much!
Love, Mommy