Becoming a Mother Afterall

I suppose there is some amount of personal "stuff" I keep to myself and don't allow blogland to read. Well, that is not totally true . . . before I got pregnant, it was all about peeing on sticks and cervical blah-blah-this and I guess I pretty much revealed all there was to reveal.

But when it comes to other things, I guess I am more quiet. Even in my "real" life, I only tell select friends what goes on behind closed doors, so to speak. It seems, these days, I don't feel very close to anyone here in Las Vegas. Lots of friends I have had for a long time, but with varying degrees of separation. One works too much, one has two children and lives on the other end of town, one is just plain busy-busy-busy and lives on the other side of town, etc. It seems the older I get, the more I long for connections with people, but they are just hard to find, to "create", to some degree. Now that I have Ainsley, I have searched online for Mommy and Me groups near my home, for special theater showings for Mom and baby, anything to get us out of the house and meeting other people. Unfortunately, the only groups near our home are in Spanish. Figures. Either way, I have to drive to the other end of the universe to see the friends that I never get to see or to make new ones.

Anyway, I had a whole point to this. I think it was about how I have always felt telling your "real life" friends too much about your marriage, let's say, can sometimes come back to bite you in the ass when your friend is calling your husband an asshole for how he acted, but by that point you are over the whole issue and then hurt your friend said that. No, this has not happened to me in many, many years, but I always reserve judgement when friends tell me about husbands and their downfalls because I don't want to end up hurting my friend down the line.

Let's just say, I am throwing my previous feelings about divulging too much about marriage out the proverbial window because A) if I talk to my mother about it, she will scold me like the mother she is B) my friends don't have the time to listen to me bitch about my measly issues with my husband and C) I would simply much rather talk to you people about it because I have had, like, ZERO freaking comments lately, so I know no one is really reading anyway. (This is where someone is supposed to chime in with, "Still here! Love ya girl!") Or not.

Mike and I are what I consider very well-matched. We really rarely fight and when we do, it is usually worthwhile and we work it out like mature adults and life goes on. But in the past few weeks since he has been on vacation, we seem to be having some . . . issues. I will raise my hand and say, by golly, yes, I do think I still have a touch of some PPD or baby blues or whatever the hell people are calling it these days. I get cabin fever very easily and really would much rather spend Ainsley's awake-time out and about. Easier said than done because of the heat, but I like walking the malls with her in the stroller or going to the local shark reef we have at Mandalay Bay, etc. And yes, a few times a week, I like to go see a movie by myself or with a friend from work, and I usually end up going into my classroom once a week for about an hour to see my students, make sure they are not killing the substitute, etc. So, let's say that is like, what, 4 hours max away from home where Mike stays with Ainsley?

(Cue the flying vegetables) Mike, however, in his perfect little dream world, would like to play golf two times a week. A day of golf for him means he leaves the house at 9 am, goes and has breakfast with his golfing buddy, they practice until their tee time at noon, he plays until 4pm or 5pm, and then drives home, which means he is here around 6pm. Did I mention that we share a car? Did I mention that the ritzy places he plays golf puts us in the hole about $50 each time he plays and the last three times we have gone to the mall, he has spent at least $100 on golf shirt or accessories and I have spent jack-shit? (Not his fault, I just can't fit into a reasonable size, so I don't buy anything.) So last week, he played twice and the week before twice. He said last week that "he knew he wouldn't get to play before we left for New York to see his family for the fourth". And what do you know? Tomorrow . . . he wants to play golf. I asked for the car and for his buddy to pick him up. He decided not to talk to me.

So, there it is blogland. I am hurt and upset and tired. Did I mention that even though he teaches, he works on Thursday and Friday nights at a local restaurant for extra money? Did I mention that last night Ainsley decided to get up at 2:20, 4:15, 5am, and then at 5:45 for the day? And that my husband closes tonight, so I have to stay up with her again tonight and then he leaves bright and early for golf? And that even though I love her and am never angry she is up so perky in the middle of the night, that I fully believe in taking turns so that I don't get on the damn plane on Monday morning at 7am and freak out more than I already am? (hate planes, hate flying, am scared to death of flying with Ainsley.)

Oh yeah, and I have a sore throat and can't kiss my daughter. (I kiss the back of her head in hopes she still thinks I love her and am not neglecting her in some way.) Below is a picture of us on the bed yesterday, me covering my mouth so I don't breath my yucky germs on her, and her half-asleep. She won't sleep, though, unless she is swaddled, so I am holding one of her hands so she won't hit herself in the head like she does so well.



P.S. Ainsley finally grabbed something by herself other than my hair. She has an ongoing love-affair now with the butterfly above her play-gym.

Although she is not purposely grabbing things yet, we shove everything we can into her hands because we think she will "learn" how to grab that way. (haha)

Here is a picture of her today in her carseat grabbing the toys (aka subway handles).


The problem is . . . she has NO IDEA how to let go once we put them into her hands. And learning to let go, it seems, is very agitating.

With all of my complaining lately, I often wonder if anyone else is still reading. I called up my friend Kathy last night, who has a 2-year old and a 5 month old, and we talked about lack of sleep and the small annoyances that come with this part of mothering a little one.

And then I read Lumi's last post.*

Let's just say it helped put things into perspective for me quite a bit. I should zip my trap. I still have another 12 weeks or so before I even have to return to work and get to enjoy all of this extra time with the piglet, even if it is at 3am. And then there are people who work the entire day away from their little ones and learn to cherish those late-night feedings because . . that is what they have. Me? I have been harping on it too much lately I think. My blog was much more interesting when I was in the throws of a tantrum because I wasn't pregnant. (well, at least I had more people commenting.)

Ainsley has slept from 9pm-5am for two nights now. It won't last long, I am sure. Next time I look up, she won't want to have anything to do with me in the middle of the night anyway.

I do love her more than life itself. Loving someone that much means you have to love the things that make you adjust your lifestyle somwhat, like these middle of the night feedings. Consider my trap zipped.

*Lumi, I balled my eyes out when I read that. You are eloquent.

What the hell is it with people that totally ignore the fact that you have a stroller and cut you off as you are walking so that you nearly fall over? Or the person who is too lazy to use the damn stairs instead of take up extra room in the elevator at the mall when you have a big-ass stroller?? Huh?

I am still in a bit of a funk from my earlier . . funk(s). I am trying to be super-Mom here and get Ainsley adjusted to her crib and all that. What fun it is around here! Even though my husband is off work for the summer from teaching, he works a second job on Thursday and Friday evenings at a restaurant he has worked at for many years. Thursdays and Fridays just plain suck around here. I get down when he leaves. We share a car, so sometimes my cabin fever gets pretty intense, but like I said before, it is not like I can take Ainsley on a walk because it is, oh, 110 degrees in the shade.

So yesterday, she kept waking up in her crib after I put her down for a nap. I went back in there three times, trying to space it out, soothed her without taking her out of the crib, gave her a bottle for about 2 minutes while she laid down, and then left again. It ended up eventually working and she took about a 2-hour nap. I was excited. But then I had to repeat the whole soothing thing at bedtime for about an hour and a half. Finally about 11:30 she fell asleep. I turned the video monitor off, but left the sound on. (which, by the way, is there a freaking monitor that does have all this extra noise???) She was up again at 4:30, but last night was hubby's night to get up, so I got him all set up with her and was able to sleep until about 7am when he came back to bed and I took over.

Today I feel like I got hit by a truck and I am starting to wonder if I need to get my thyroid checked or something. I feel pregnancy-tired. (*not pregnant, don't worry) I guess I should take my vitamins again like a good girl.

Well, if you are up to date on my last post, Ainsley slept in her crib until 4am, which is basically the same schedule she sleeps when she sleeps in her bassinet.

Before you jump for joy and get all excited, let me break it down for you:

Ainsley's sleep: 6.5 hours
Mom's sleep: 1 hour

Yep, you got that right. Not only is the video monitor so bright I felt like I was sleeping under stadium lighting, but I kept checking her every 5.4 seconds. This is not healthy! Today I have been crying all day, I am sure from the lack of sleep, but also because my husband thinks we should just continue letting her sleep in our room and screw putting her into her crib yet and is not at all worried about how difficult it is going to be to de-swaddle her in the future. (Hmm, maybe this is because he actually sleeps.) Me? I feel like the worst mother in the world because I can't get her figured out. I feel like I have enabled her with the swaddling, but in reality, I was just doing what felt right and what essentially made her sleep longer in the beginning. I feel like I am never going to be able to watch a movie again because she is such a light-sleeper (like her mother). I feel like I made her that way with the tiptoeing around because she sleeps in our room. I just feel like I suck at this.

My husband also thinks she has been fussier lately, which makes me feel badly because I feel like I should know why she is fussy, but I don't. I only do what I think is best, which is keep up to date on all the current infomation, talk to others, etc. But in the end, it overwhelms me. When I talk to someone at work and they tell me their baby slept through the night at 5 weeks and still does at 2 years old, I want to hit them in the face. This leads me to believe that I need to go back to church, to quelch the anger I sometimes have. However, I can't go to church with my fussy baby!

Someone please, please tell me that I am not alone in this. Or that you haven't become an alcoholic in the process of raising your child or something. I just feel super-down today and have already gone through two boxes of Kleenex and two grande iced black and white mochas from Starbucks.

Oh yeah. Ainsley just woke up from her 6 minute nap. Pass the kleenex.

We have been talking about getting Ainsley into her crib for weeks now. But both of us are mortified that we won't hear her or the monitor won't work or, you know, a meteor will crash through the roof into her crib. Normal, right?

In all actuality, I have just decided that I was never going to sleep like I used to ever again. Even with her in the bassinet next to the bed, she makes noises, so I wake up and make sure she didn't aspirate on her spitup or stop breathing. Yes, I still do that, although not as much as in those first few weeks. I wish I could be as careless as it seems Mike is. I can't be mad at him, I am just the lightest sleeper known to man.

Ainsley's regular schedule has been okay: at 10 weeks, she is still going to sleep around 9-10 pm and waking up to feed anywhere between 3-5 am. We would really prefer 5am, of course, but she only does that here and there now. Last night she was up at 3am, and went back down at 3:45, and was up at 4:45, back down at 6am, until about 7am, when she won't sleep anymore no matter what. We have good nap days and bad nap days, too. We like for her to take a nap about 9 am, when she is usually her grouchiest, and then again sometime in the late afternoon, if possible. Today . . . nada. She napped twenty minutes here and ten minutes there, but would not sleep for her Mom.

Did I mention that she will not sleep anywhere, anytime unless she is swaddled? We are currently using the miracle blanket, since she outgrew the hospital receiving blankets and would escape the swaddle. But if we try to put her down unwrapped, she hits herself in the head and wakes herself up, screaming. I am also a little nervous about having to de-swaddle her in the upcoming months, not to mention what happens when I have to go back to work and someone else will be responsible for getting her to sleep during the day.

So, I just completed the night routine of bath, music, rubdown, bottle, sleep. But I decided to put her into her crib tonight, just to see. I prayed the entire time I laid her down because I would really like to get some sleep tonight and hopefully she won't know she is in her crib and not in her bassinet and wake up early. We also have two monitors, the Bebe sounds monitor and the video one. I decided to give this a shot and hooked up the video one and am off to bed.

Pray it works and we can complete this new milestone! I would love to have more solid sleep, but am also a little worried now that having the video right next to me will make it harder for me to sleep . . .

I had this whole elaborate post typed out last night about the funk that I am in, but Blogspirit ate it and it put me in more of a funk. Since I don't care to rehash the whole story, I will give you the short version.

1. Las Vegas is too damn hot. And I have been living here to damn long. Before Ainsley was born, I got the opportunity to visit Western New York where my husband is from and where all of his family still lives. I want to move there. Now. Yesterday. For a million different reasons.

2. Mike agrees it is time, too. We want to be near family. We have no one here. We are lonely. Ainsley needs more family around. WE need more family around. Did I mention it is too damn hot here?

3. One of the multitude of reasons I want to leave here is because the housing market has shot up like a rocket in the past year. The median home price right now is $315,000. I won't go into detail how much money we make (or, er, don't make) but we are teachers, people. We are underpaid.

4. We bought our home at the right time (before the "big boom") and we have made a big chunk of change on it. However, we can't afford to go and buy a bigger home now. And our 1450 sq. ft haven is crawling with baby swings and boxes of maternity clothes and overstuffed closets and not enough room to walk. Imagine the fun when Ainsley starts walking. Part II: we don't have a pool, nor can we ever now afford a pool unless you are talking about one of the blow-up ones from KMart. And it is too damn hot not to have a pool.

5. I am not PC, so exit here if you don't want to hear my brief rant on why teaching has become so difficult here. To put it mildly, Las Vegas is a key city to immigrate to. While I love my little children and would do anything for them, my class is officially now up to 35 students, half of those who don't even read on a second grade reading level. (I teach 4th grade.) Last year I had three students enroll at Christmas who could not even write their name, let alone ask me, "Where is the bathroom?" in English. And our school district is talking about basing pay on test scores. WTF? Our district also needs teachers so badly that they seem to hire some shady characters and now when we tell people we are teachers, they look at us like we are child molesters or drug dealers.

6. My funk? I have been jumping through hoops trying to get certified to teach in NY so maybe this time next year we can start looking for jobs. Jobs there are much, MUCH harder to come by. And now? I got an e-mail from the woman handling my file and apparently my license here does not match some of their needed credentials, so I might have to be independently evaluated and take the board exams before ever getting certified.

7. This puts me in a funk because I feel stupid. I feel like I should be able to get a teaching job anywhere because I love what I do and I think I am good at it. (Hello? Not tooting my own horn, but awarded teacher of the year for our district two years ago! Come on!) And part of the problem is that the way my district did my license, it makes it hard for me to leave. In other words, they do a lot of things to get people to stay here because everyone ends up leaving. (probably for the million reasons I have already discussed)

8. Another funk? I am back down to my pre-pregnancy weight and was the week I had Ainsley. But now I have massive amounts of extra skin and my clothes fit like crap. And I don't want to go buy new clothes if there is a remote possibility that I might be able to fit into the other ones soon. And I don't feel motivated to go to the gym because it is too damn hot. And really, who the hell has the time when you have a little one and a husband who is obsessed with the gym? I guess I could strap her on me while I walk the treadmill.

That about sums it up. Oh - and my flowers all died because it is too damn hot.

On the baby front . . . I bought two outfits for Ainsley yesterday to have her pictures done in. Any suggestions on where to go? I have coupons from all the major dept. stores that do pictures, along with the other places in the shopping malls we all have. What is a good deal?

No one tagged me on this because no one tags me anymore, damnit. But I am doing it anyway.

5 items in my fridge:

1. Garlic, lots of garlic, all kinds of garlic, LOVE garlic.
2. My husband is what I call a "seasoner". He is a wonderful cook and BBQs often, so we have all different kinds of Harry and David meat/chicken/seafood seasonings and sauces.
3. Apples. I like my apples cold.
4. Organic nonfat skim milk. Haven't you read about how the growth hormone can cause infertility, among other medical issues? Um, I am not going through all of that again, if I can help it.
5. Cheese. Gouda cheese, swiss cheese, provolone cheese, goat cheese, all kinds of cheese. I am a cheesy kind of gal.

5 items in my closet:

1. Massive amounts of sandals and flip-flops. It is ungodly hot here, people, and while I have large feet, my toenails are always painted cute. Gotta show them off.
2. Air freshner. I like a clean smelling closet.
3. Purses. (see above description of the cheese.) I love purses. The funkier, the better.
4. Girly baseball caps, specifically supporting my favorite baseball team, THE NY YANKEES! (Now that I never have the time to do my hair, thanks to Miss. Fussybutt, I throw my hair in a ponytail and put on a cap.)
5. Golf tees. I don't play golf, never have. (Does miniature count?) But I LOVE little collared polo/golf t-shirts. I am a dork.

5 items in my car:

1. The IPOD. Gotta have it. Saves my sanity when searching for the perfect CD.
2. An immaculate carseat and base. I am scared to think of what is going to happen when she starts throwing things and spilling drinks. I like a clean car. (clean everything, really.)
3. Extra quarters for the emergency need to vacuum. No, I am not obsessive/compulsive. But when you pay too much money for your 4-Runner you have wanted all your life, you want it clean.
4. Chipotle coupons. Need I say more? YUMMY.
5. Receiving blankets to catch the massive amounts of spitup Ainsley has at various times of the day.

5 items in my purse: (huh? which purse?) ;-)

1. Scrunchies. (to pull back the hair in a frenzy)
2. Chocolate covered espresso beans from Starbucks (for those snacky moments when a little caffeine always helps)
3. Tylenol
4. Stamps (and I think everyone knows I always have stamps because I am constantly loaning them out!)
5. My Hallmark Gold Crown card. I. LOVE. HALLMARK.

I am tagging Lumi, Kier, and Roxanne!

Because my little one has what I like to refer to as Don-King-esque hair, I have been throwing a headband on her here and there, but have yet to find any I love. So, I searched online and found this site. I just got my package today and LOVE the headbands. All of the bows have a little clip and you can interchange them dependant on the outfit. Very high quality, so check it out! (They also have about nine million different colors to choose from!)

We made it through 5 days with my mother, my 29th birthday, Ainsley's 8-week marker, and a very heartwrenching visit to the doctor for 2-month shots. Let's just say that by the end of the nurse's explanation and subsequent stab session into my daughter's thigh, I was balling, along with Ainsley, and my husband buried his face into her little body as she clung to his collar like it was a lifepreserver. I spent the rest of the evening administering Tylenol to a screaming baby who had a temperature and a swollen thigh the size of Canada.

Not. Fun.

The good news: the chubbster weighs a whooping 11 pounds, 8 ounces and is otherwise healthy. Below is a picture post-doctor appointment. I dressed her in the St. Patrick's Day outfit my husband bought her while I was pregnant that she now fits into to make my husband calm down and stop checking her leg every five seconds. But we love him anyway.