Becoming a Mother Afterall

Well, I am still here, although barely. I have nine million blogs to catch up on, babies to read about that have recently made their entry into the world. We have moved, blown up two cable modems, screamed at four cable workers, and experienced every drama associated with moving, including broken furniture, missing keys, one massive episode of baby vomit (which included sweet potatoes) and title paperwork problems. We are here, we are healthy, and we will be unpacking until 2011.

Must go before the screaming one wakes. Maybe I could get in a shower.

I am all stir-crazy. Ainsley has been super-cranky today and I tried to get her to take a nap unswaddled and followed the doctor's directions and she ended up clawing at her face because she was so upset and left red marks everywhere. I have managed to cry away another part of my evening due to the impending day care situation. I am so burned out on moving and all that drama and we are also shopping for a second car, seeing that sharing a car won't be feasible anymore now that we are moving to a different part of town. Let's just say I am slowly losing my mind. I don't know if it was the shots or not, but Ainsley was up FIVE TIMES last night. After sleeping from 8:30 pm to 6 am for 4 nights before that, it was, needless to say, not easy to adjust to. I end up feeling guilty because I am frustrated.

So, something to hopefully lighten my mood. No one has posted on my previous post with advice on daycare, etc. I am just f-ing depressed. So, I stole this from Dramalish.

1. A Book that changed my life: The Stone Diaries, by Carol Shields . . . or quite possibly I Know This Much is True, by Wally Lamb . . . both I read at very difficult times in my life and they had their own beautiful meanings and lessons to take from each.

2. A Book I have read more than once: I know it sounds cheesy, but I loved TheBridges of Madison County, by James Robert Waller. The movie didn't do the book justice at all.

3. A book that made me laugh:Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates, by Tom Robbins. OH. MY. SO. FREAKING. FUNNY.

4. A book that made me cry: The Time Traveler's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger . . . If you have not had an opportunity to read this book, please do so NOW. It is a poignant story that I could not put down. If you have dealt with miscarriages, it covers a sensitive subject there, but I think quite possibly that is why I loved it so much.

5. A book that I am happy was written: Gotta go with the Harry Potter series. I love them, all of them, some more than others, maybe it is the teacher in me, but they are just wonderful. . . .

6. A book I wish had not been written: Anything by Charles Dickens. Vomit-vomit-gag-gag.

7. Books I am currently reading: I have not managed how to find the time to read since Ainsley has arrived. However, I have started a book and I can get through a few pages right before I crash out. At this rate, I should be done by Christmas. It is called The Memory Keeper's Daughter, by Kim Edwards. So far, I am really enjoying it.

Ainsley has conquered her 4 month shots . . . but not without an evening of crabbiness and a bit of a fever. It is about the same reaction as her 2 month shots, but not quite as bad. Her legs are puffy. Maybe I come from some strange southern family, but I have fond memories of taking a bath with my parents and then later with my little baby brother. Tonight I jumped in the tub with her and she thought it was hilarious and laughed and laughed at me. She still has her sense of humor!

The lowdown from today's visit: 15 pounds, 10 ounces, 25.5 inches long, head circumference was 43 cm. My big girl! We actually thought she would weigh more! But reaching the 90th percentile in weight and height is pretty impressive!

Ainsley's doctor suggested we start the de-swaddling soon. He said start in the daytime during her naps and pick her up when she cried, but when she stops, put her back down. (and again and again and again) Same at night, hopefully until she falls asleep. Let her cry, he said, 10 minutes if she wakes up in the middle of the night, and then go in and touch her and console her when she stops, but if she starts, look away and ignore the behavior. (How hard is this going to be!!! AGH!!!!) I am not one to let her cry. She may seem big, but she is still my little girl. We are going to start this once this move gets taken care of. We FINALLY got our keys today (2 days late) and painters start painting tomorrow, carpet this weekend, and we move and have the appliances delivered on Tuesday next week. I have lost my work keys in the process and my office manager is pissed at me. They are in a box somewhere I am sure.

We also went to her daycare today and talked more with the ladies who will be taking care of her. They do these transition classes before a child starts, so we will be starting those in about 2 weeks. I have been having a lot of anxiety over putting her in daycare and I would love to know your thoughts. Part of me says that it will be okay and she won't be there that long everyday, plus I have breaks from work every 8-10 weeks and Mike has the summer off! Another part of me tells me I am an awful person for putting her there and I should figure out how to make it work without her having to go. (how, I would have no idea) This anxiety has lead me to cry lately for a number of reasons, some totally silly, I know. I have been craving the need to breast feed her again, I lay with her in my bed in the mornings when she wakes up and want her to fall back asleep in my arms so I can cuddle with her.

She is just growing up too fast . . .

Things to Ask our Pediatrician-Extraordinaire on Wednesday for the big 4-month appointment:

1. You said no crib bumpers. Now Ainsley hits her head. And now . . guess what? She is actually EATING her crib! Yeah, when she wiggles out of her swaddle in the middle of the night, she pulls herself to the side of the crib and begins gnawing at the wood, the whole time singing, "lalalalalalalalllalalalalalalalalmmmmmmmmm".

2. How in God's name do I stop swaddling my child? We tried to let her go unswaddled today for a nap and it ended up with my husband and I ready to kill ourselves. She cried and we tried spacing out the length of our consoling her. Didn't work. She screamed louder.

3. People think our baby is 6-7 months old. She is huge. I'm not kidding. Her head looks like a football and now she is losing all her pretty hair and has kind of a mullet. Twice this week people have thought she was a boy and my husband was ready to maul them. Are we feeding her too much?

4. Back to the swaddling thing and the huge-ass-baby thing, the miracle blanket we swaddle her with no longer fits her. So . . . . she gets out of the swaddle now a few times a night and then is up again. We miss our sleep, Doc.

5. WHY IS MY LITTLE PRECIOUS BOOM-BA GETTING UP AT 3AM AGAIN? Did I mention that I was tired?

6. What do I do to prepare Ainsley for day-care, which is steadly approaching? She does not like very many people. We don't let anyone else really hold her. (Well, we don't really know anyone else that wants to come hang out and hold her for hours at a time.) Tonight the lady at Best Buy tried to hold her and she stuck her lip out and screamed and looked at me like I was giving her away. How do I make this go away? Oh yeah, and did I mention that I have been in tears 10-12 times a day thinking about putting her in day care? Can I take something to help me calm down about that? Can I install cameras at the day care so I can check on her 2, 357 times a day?

**So . . . for fun, bets are on to see how long my porker is and how much she weighs. Head circumference will most likely scare the be-jesus out of us, so I am not even going to guess on that. (She is very intelligent and has a large brain and that is my explanation. Her melon has to be bigger to hold her super-brain.)

In some strange way, having had multiple miscarriages becomes more real, for lack of a better word, once you have your own child. (finally) For me, it put a face to the babies that I yearned for and wanted so badly. Logically, they may not have looked like Ainsley does, or they may have been boys, but it really makes you realize more of what you lost.

Today, as the workers are rebuilding our school and tearing down walls and ripping out sinks and opening up rooms, they began to tear down the tile in the restroom where I first realized that my second pregnancy would also be a loss.

As I sat in the there today, I turned the tile over and over in my hands and closed my eyes and tried to remember what it felt like that Sunday when I came into work to try to make copies for the next week. Really, I was attempting to get my mind off of the emergency trip to the ER my husband and I had just made a few days before and when I was told I was experiencing a "threatened miscarriage". I felt like that time was going to be the one, that I would most definately have the baby I had wanted for so long, that the little heartbeat we saw was a sign that he or she would make it. But that day, in that very bathroom, I realized that no one could bleed that much and have it be a normal part of pregnancy. And I cried in that bathroom and stared at those very tiles and counted them and rocked myself to a sense of calm until I could peel myself off the floor and drive back home to tell Mike that we needed to go back to the hospital.

So today, the bathroom is coming down. The walls will soon be replaced with new ones, new tile, and new memories. I won't forget how I felt then, but I had a sense of peace today when I knew that was all behind me and I could go home to Ainsley and tell her (again and again) how lucky I am to have her in my life.

Oh man I am never friggin' moving again.

We are in the midst of boxes and paperwork and appliance shopping and paint samples and carpet pieces and where-the-hell-is-my-wallet?

My brain is on the fritz and we don't technically move until next week, so I should be posting more. Alas, I have nothing new to report. (Or maybe I do and just can't remember what I haven't said on here in a long, long time.) Ainsley has moved on to bananas. She digs bananas. Why are bananas binding and constipating for adults but make my baby shit like it is going out of style? We are having fun with her, she is constantly chatting up a storm, which consists of her tongue hanging out of her mouth and her saying, "mmmmah, lllah, llllllllll, sssssppppppppp." This must translate into something, but I have never taken babytalk classes before. Hopefully it means, "Mommy, I am happy. Give me kisses and more bananas." She also grabbed my boob the other night and proceeded to talk to it for about twenty minutes while I rocked her in the chair. I haven't been able to breastfeed her since she was about a month old, so this was rather amusing to us both and we nearly peed our pants.

More pictures soon. That is, when I get all of this under control. Ug.

Seven more days until school is over. My class of 34 is hot, tired, and ready to spend whatever summer is left not in school. I don't blame them. The air conditioning in our 40+ year old school is on the fritz. I want it to be over as fast as they do. I miss being with Ainsley during the day. And while it makes things so much easier knowing she is with her Dad, I am a little jealous that I am not at home with her. Seeing her face when I come home is the greatest feeling in the world.

Other than ending the year with the fourth/soon-to-be fifth graders, I am just plain exhausted. I think Ainsley is teething. Last night she got up twice, which hasn't happened in a long time. She is wiggling out of her swaddle in the middle of the night and then scoots around her crib until she either wedges her head against the side or smashes her face on the wood and ends up screaming. But everyone told me to remove the freaking bumper from the crib so she doesn't suffocate?!? And now she is rolling over pretty well with little assistance on the floor, so I am mortified that she will roll over in her swaddle and then suffocate that way. So, sleep is, to say the least, not solid.

Does anyone have suggestions on what to do about the whole swaddling thing and rolling over thing? If I put her down unswaddled, she wakes up in 15 minutes and then won't sleep.

The little one eats organic oatmeal now, too. She is a piglet and chows down well.