Becoming a Mother Afterall

Um.

Ainsley has slept for 12 hours each night for the past 3 nights. She is snoozing by 7 pm and wakes up around 6:45.

Can someone tell me what the hell I am doing right to make this happen? Please? So she KEEPS doing it because I LOVE BEING WELL-RESTED. What a nice change from 8 weeks of morning sickness, then horrifying sciatica, then shoulder and back pain, then baby-pressing-on-the-bladder for the last 12 weeks of pregnancy, then no sleep from the amazing-super-eating-baby shortly after birth, then the not sleeping because you think she has stopped breathing . . . . (well, that sort of still rears its ugly head and I have to check on her periodically in the middle of the night . . )

PS. Competition is not over. Keep placing your bets. I just had to brag about the wonder-sleeper. (because, you know, things change here quickly. Tonight she will probably be up for some grubbin' around 1 am. )

Allright, ladies.

No one is commenting on my damn blog. Do I suck? Are you all just busy? Should I make this a little more fun?

Here is some friendly competition. Everyone gets a little love in the end. (I feel wanted again and you have a chance at SWEETNESS!)

Yes, that's right . . . sweetness.

The person who guesses the closest to the question below will win some sweetness from me. And I am talking about some genuine chocolate sweetness that you will receive in the mail EXPRESS, so only answer if you are willing to give me your address if you win. I am not a serial killer.

Question: How much green have I spent at Babies R Expensive. . . (cough) I mean Babies R Us since I found out I was pregnant many moons ago?

GOOD LUCK!!!

Ainsley is doing much better now. My husband stayed home with her Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and they attempted to nap together and rest. Her fever finally broke on Tuesday and even though she still has the sniffles, there appears to be no evidence of a urinary tract infection. She is still on antibiotics and our doc wants to do an ultrasound on her soon. Apparently young children that have UTI can sustain kidney damage without us knowing. There is also a common disorder that can cause UTIs that he wants to rule out. In my mind, I am telling myself it was one of those freak things and everything is okay. It was so difficult seeing her sick and tired and irritable. I am just so happy that she is smiling again and healing well.

I think I am on the mend, too. Watching her get sick was so difficult, but then Thursday, we took her to daycare for the very first time. I knew it would be hard, but it kind of shocked me how it affected me. Lots of tears, phone calls to check on her, and then a made rush back to pick her up at 3:25 . . . her first day didn't go as well as we had hoped. She did take great naps, which was my main concern, but she didn't eat. I don't know if it was because she was sick or maybe a little nervous. But Friday, she ate normally, which for my little girl is A LOT. And she is sleeping well there and playing and seems happy. When I came to get her Friday, she was sleeping, so I gently rubbed her back and said, "Ainsley . . . " Her head shot up, eyes still closed, and she was beaming. It made my entire day. It helps, too, that she loves her 'teacher' Nina. She has raised four girls of her own and is just the sweetest lady. Ainsley likes to pull her hair.

Allright, I am going to lay down before she wakes up. We are going to a local hotel here that has free outdoor concerts on Saturday evenings. It is so fun to see the kids dancing to the music, which is usually jazz. Ainsley seems to like laying on the quilt and bopping up and down to the music, too. The weather here has been perfect and we are enjoying it.

A friend once told me I would not know what tired was until Ainsley got sick. Of course, I blew her off, and thought to myself, "Get sick? My daughter? No way."

Yeah. Right. What. Was. I. Thinking.

She had a bit of a cold last week lingering from her new little boyfriend Zachary. No biggie. Sunday, I had to go to work to prepare for my first day of the new school year Monday. Mike called and said she had thrown up all over him and felt warm. He brought her to my school so I could get a look-see at the little one and I reached into her carseat and she was BURNING UP!! She just sat there and smiled weakly at me. I immediately sent him home to take her temperature, take some Tylenol, if needed, and get rest.

I made it home for dinner, Ainsley had a mild fever, but seemed otherwise fine. I put her down for bed around 8pm. At 9:30 she woke up SCREAMING, which pretty much never happens, so I ran into her room and picked her up. She threw up all over me this time and was burning up again, so I asked Mike to grab the thermometer and take her temperature. We took it and froze in the dark. "They can't be right, " he said softly. We took it again. And again. She screamed. And screamed.

103.8

He dialed our doctor while I jumped in the backseat with her, freaking. out. She just laid in my arms and moaned the entire way to the emergency room. We took it again. 104. I could have slapped the crap out of the ER desk person - 104, people. First time Mom here, worked my ass off for this baby and not prepared to mess it up. Love her more than life itself, I was yelling, she was just looking at me, Mike was near heart-attack at this point.

We finally got a bed and doctors came to check my little one. "It is not uncommon to see a fever this high in babies, it is different than in adults." I told the stupid doctor that she was not making me feel any better and I wanted it to go away and for my daughter to stop crying and moaning. Ears were checked, throat checked, etc.

I officially went into shock when they put a catheter into my daughter to drain her bladder to check for a urinary tract infection. Screaming baby, clinging to Mom and Dad, then doctor's sucking out her nose because of snot. Turns out Ainsley has a urinary tract infection. Tell this to the Mother who is so anal about cleaning her up after one of the disaster poops I talked about before! I cried, she told me it is not my fault and it happens in girls because their little urethra is so short. A shot was given, medicine picked up for later. We made it home at 1 am. I had to be at work at 8 am. Ainsley was supposed to start daycare that day, too.

She cried ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Ten minutes of sleep, thirty minutes of crying. Rinse and repeat. She would not lay in her crib, she would only lay holding.onto. our. shirts. in. between. us. in. bed. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life.

I went to work, Mike stayed home. She battled the fever all day yesterday, back up to 103 at bedtime last night, but she slept and I woke her on and off for Tylenol as he directed. Mike took her back to the doctor this morning. The hospital lost her labs - assholes. Another catheter for Ainsley. If I had to endure that again, I surely would have lost it. My husband is so wonderful. She has been better tonight, 99 degree temperature, starting to smile again. He is taking tomorrow off to stay with her and rest.

If she never gets sick again, it will be too soon.

Random thoughts I need to get out of my head so I have room to think about more important things, like why I can't seem to find the energy to clean my house . . . .

1. Why is it that my husband uses all the wipes in the diaper bag and does not replinish them so when I need them, BADLY, I can't clean up the poop nightmare Ainsley had earlier this weekend? While at Pottery Barn, might I add?

2. I have thrown away four (FOUR!) onesies this week because of poop nightmares like the above described.

3. I still have not fully unpacked from our recent move. My Mom came for a few days 2 weeks ago and I still can't find things she has moved around while cleaning. So far I am missing two pairs of scissors, shampoo, a remote control, and the refills for the diaper genie.

4. I have to go back to work on Monday. And I feel so up and down about it. I love teaching, but I got into a really good groove with Ainsley since Mike has returned to work and I don't want to miss all of the great things about her day.

5. I am afraid I kiss her too much and she will be looking for that from her "teacher" Nina. And Nina is obviously not going to be kissing her. I hate that she won't be kissed all day.

6. Ainsley has a new scream, which sounds something like a cat in heat. It is scary and has made going out to dinner with her quite the spectacle. We went to our favorite BBQ restaurant tonight and the hot kitty scream started. And then we had another poop nightmare. My husband took control and took her to the family restroom and was gone for TWENTY minutes. When he returned with a wet t-shirt, I was secretly happy that she squirted him and not me. haha

7. VHM Princess is pregnant! I can't stop thinking about this! And I will be honest . . . I had a three minute period after reading this that I actually was a little jealous, like when pregnancy was a four-letter word for me because I couldn't stay pregnant and then I couldn't get pregnant.

8. Erin is pregnant, too! And secretly, I think I would like another baby. Now. But I must be ill because I can barely figure out which way is up now. And dear God, the morning sickness and tiredness while trying to balance the Queen and my job.

9. Melissa is pregnant, too! Damn. Did I mention I stopped taking the pill? And no, not because I want to have another baby NOW, but because it has flipped my cycles all out and I had a two week long period and then had one two weeks later. No thanks. PS - We have been too tired to have much sex-age lately.

10. I can't decide if I should remove the crib bumpers again or leave them in and I would love your opinions. Ainsley is officially moving ALL over the crib and manages to get stuck in the corner sometimes before she falls asleep and I go in an end up moving her because I am afraid she will suffocate.

11. I am reading this book, which is WONDERFUL and I should finish it this evening. A lot of the feelings I had about motherhood were hit on in the book, which, of course, is fictional, but moving. Also, HILARIOUS! The book also has the same name as one of my favorite Tori Amos songs . . .

12. This is the most horrific thing and I wept when I listened to the child's grandmother's voice crack and she begged for her grandaughter to be returned. Who would do this??

13. For those of you that have your children in day care, any words of wisdom? I need to know how not to lose my mind halfway through the day thinking about her and wondering if I have made a horrible decision. (not that I have a whole lot of choice . . . . )

Let's knock very loudly on wood, but it appears for the time being that being "out" of the swaddle was what my little boo-ba needed to sleep better. For the past two nights she has been ready to go down at 7:30-8:00, falls quickly asleep on her side, moves to her belly somewhere in the middle of the night, and then wakes up at precisely 4:45 (on the dot, might I add) to get some early breakfast. Then she is back fast asleep until 6:15, although this morning she slept until 7:00 am. I am in heaven. Pure sleeping bliss. Now if I can just figure out how to relax a little more about her sleeping on her belly . . . I think she is fine. My husband checks her periodically before we go to sleep to make sure she can breath.

Anyway, not only is her sleep better, but the entire bedtime and nap process is so much easier now that we don't have to fight the swaddle. I put her in a sleep sack and she is good to go.

Other big change in the past three days: why in the hell is she having 5-7 bowel movements a day, unlike her 1-2 before?? Yikes!

I found myself married to the wrong man and I had just moved back into our home together after break-up #491. I was substitute teaching, trying to find my way in the world, saddened by the ever-growing possibility that I had been wasting years of my life pining over a man that I would never be able to change. Five years ago found me wanting children and realizing that it wasn't going to be with him. As the twin towers fell, he screamed, "You see! This is why I don't want to have children!" I was moved out and living on my own for the first time in my life by December.

September 11th was the day my (now) husband was driving his (then) girlfriend back to Western New York. She had moved out here to Las Vegas with him and in his words, "It just wasn't working." He drove across the United States where he said he saw flags waving in the hands of Americans on virtually every bridge in America. He also was on the first flight out of NYC to fly back to Nevada, with three other people.

On our first date, we talked about that day. Maybe it is because it still seemed so fresh in our memory a few years later. Maybe it is because he is from New York. Maybe it is just because it is so hard to forget. Tonight we watched the special filmed by the two French brothers and saw never-released footage. We also took Ainsley to the memorial they have here where 2,997 flags are waving at a local cemetary, beautiful large flags, each with the name, age, and brief story of the person who lost their life that day. We found the flag representing the little 4-year old girl who died on her way to Disneyland with her mother and cried.

I will post pictures of the memorial soon enough, but I would love to hear some of your stories of that day. I know Roxanne and others lived very close the WTC. It seems important that we are able to recall these events. My students this year will not even remember it happening.

Here is the recap of night #2 of the unswaddling.

8:00 - Ainsley has her bath, drinks 7 ounces, and falls asleep. I put her in the crib and she sleeps relatively soundlessly for a while.

10:00 - I head to bed. Husband calls, he is coming home early from work (YEAH!) so he arrives shortly thereafter, we talk, and then both fall asleep at 11:00.

12:45 - Here we go again. WTF? 12:45?? She is screaming, crying, and oh yes! Sniffling, like she has a cold, then hacking. F-ing daycare. I have been taking her and playing with her there, not leaving, everyday to get her used to it. Great idea, Mom. I wake up husband and we head into her room, hunt down the humidifier from a box somewhere, fill in and plug it in, and then try to soothe. She sees her Dad and then becomes frantic, pumping her legs, laughing, wanting him. He rocks her, gives her a bottle, where she drinks EIGHT OUNCES, and then passes out.

6-7:00 - Ainsley plays in her crib and fades in and out of sleep. I go and get her at 7 am, which was much better than having to get up at 3 am.

Lets see how tonight goes. I am still exhausted.

Well, maybe I spoke too soon. Here is how night one went:

8:00 - Ainsley finishes 6 ounces and this usually makes her sleepy. However, this evening, she is WIDE AWAKE.
8:05 - I lay her down in her crib, awake, unswaddled, on her side.
8:05 - 8:25 - Ainsley plays in her crib, talks to her hands, etc.
8:25 - Ainsley starts crying
8:30 - She begins screaming because she has rolled on her belly and can't get back on her back. I went in and rolled her back over, which seemed to calm her momentarily.
8:35 - Yep, back on her belly. Screaming. Bloody. Murder.
8:45 - I go BACK IN and roll her over, she stops crying and falls asleep. (YES!)

*I go to bed, but can't sleep and toss and turn. Husband comes home at 10:30 from job #2. We talk. I finally fall asleep about 12:30.

1:45 - Ainsley is up. Again. She fusses for a minute a falls back asleep.
2:40 - Ainsley is up. Again. This time the screaming begins. Again.
2:55 - I go in and try to sooth her without picking her up, rub her belly. She calms down. I leave. She freaks.out.
3:15 - I go back in and sooth, rub, etc. She stops momentarily, then is back at it.
3:30 - I am starting to lose it. I go in and take her out and rock her. She seems hungry. (not sure?) I give her a bottle, but she only drinks 2 ounces and then gets sleepy. I put her back in crib.
3:30 - 4:00 - She fusses around, never gets as upset as before, but fights sleep some. Then she finally falls asleep.

*By this time, I am exhausted, crying, frustrated, don't know what to do, if I did something wrong, so I lay there and finally fall asleep at 4:45 or so.

Ainsley gets up for the day at 6 am. I drag ass to her room and try to be a good Mom, but I feel like I am the worst. I feel down again and I don't know why - if it is the exhaustation, the impending daycare, or because on Thursday and Fridays, Mike works both jobs and I basically don't seem him at all and have NO ADULT CONVERSATION with anyone.

Help.

(whispering) We have achieved a much desired milestone in the house of Ainsley, but we are going to keep in quiet in case I jinx things or, you know, she hears me and decides to throw a curveball my way.

Yes, I am happy to announce we may have seen the last of the infamous swaddle.

I have been really freaking out about how I was going to begin the de-swaddling process because she seems so attached to her miracle blanket. She even puts it up to her mouth when she is not wrapped in it and lovingly licks it and mumbles to it. I also have been having anxiety over doing it on my own, since my husband is back at work and even though we still switch nights, it has been difficult trying to get him up on his night. Last night was HELL. I put her down at 8:30, she was up at 10pm, having inched out of her swaddle and then began talking in her crib. I have tried to let her get back to sleep, but it just has never seemed to work once she got out of her swaddle. I fed her (bad Mom) and put her back down, swaddled, she was up at 1 am, then again at 3:15am. At 3:15, I was at my peak of frustration. I took the monitor and moved it into the other bedroom and set up shop. I knew my husband was exhausted and face it, in my mind, I just decided this was going to have to be my deal and I would do my best.

I went into her room and took everything out of her crib. (swaddle, sleep positioner, light blanket that tucked around her swaddle) I then put her into her sleep sack, which allows her arms to be free, and rocked her for about 10 minutes until she seemed to get sleepy again. As I went to put her into her crib, something struck me. Everytime she has been getting up lately, she has been inching out of her sleep positioner and attempting to get on her side, which is one reason we rush in there because if she is in her swaddle and rolls over, she can't boost herself up with her arms. And lately, she rolls everywhere. So, I thought, "Maybe it is not just the swaddle that is the issue, maybe she wants to sleep on her side." I lightly laid her down on her side. Normally this would cause her to erupt into screaming without her swaddle, but she just laid there and sucked her thumb. I went back into the other room and watched her on the monitor play for about thirty minutes, talking to her hands, etc. Then she just . . . fell asleep. Granted, this was at 4 am and she woke up for the day at 6:30, but that is progress!!

Then, at about 8:30 am, she got her morning fussies, so I fed her while she was in the sleep sack, rocked her, and placed her back down again on her side. She slept until 10:30am!! And now it is 2:45 and she has been asleep for about thirty minutes. I swear I will do ANYTHING if this works out and we can eliminate the whole swaddling process. What do you think about letting her cry a little if she wakes up at 2 or 3 am? Isn't that the only way I can eliminate the middle of the night feeding? Would love to know your thoughts . . .