Becoming a Mother Afterall

Well, let's see. I had things I wanted to talk about here, none I am sure of which you want to actually hear about.

Ainsley seems to be getting better slowly. She is coughing much less. We put multiple humidifiers in her room and I think that is helping. I have been praying that we have at least two months where there is no sickness in our house, so let's see if someone is listening.

Work sucks. I love my students. But I hate the political pansy-ass b.s. that our district is trying to conform to thanks to the No-Child-Left-Behind Act, a.k.a No-Child-Left-Untested. I love my principal, but the assistant principal is going to make me lose my mind. I remember my first few years teaching, I always felt so lucky that my principal would walk in during a killer-lesson where every child was engaged or I was doing some wonderful hands-on activity with them. This year? My assistant principal has walked in during the most awful moments. Everyone knows the big no-no for a teacher is to see them sitting down, unless they are assessing a student. When I was pregnant, I was sitting by noon everyday and I didn't even care if anyone walked in. My feet hurt and my bladder was splitting open. Now I have no excuses, but we are under construction at our school and I have to walk an insane amount more than I ever have before and I wear cheap shoes because I don't make enough damn money, so my feet hurt. I sat down today in one of my students' groups and discussed their project. She walked in. She hates me. She doesn't care that I have a great relationship with my administrator. I am telling you - she is out to get me. What I really want is to get an endoresement to teach gifted children in a program we have here in Nevada, but the four classes I need total $3200. Did I mention I don't make enough money?

Which leads me to my taxes. I changed my witholding last year and forgot to change it back, hoping to increase my monthly checks during my maternity leave. The result? We are not getting any money back. Matter of fact, we have to pay. And I was *counting* on the money to partially pay for my endoresement, pay off a few small bills, and finish our sideyard. Now? I am trying to figure out what in the hell to do. I am too afraid to lie on my taxes, even though I know an area where I could feasibly do it and we could get a little money back in the end. What is sad is I am not afraid of getting audited, but I am afraid of karma. Knowing me, my karmic resolution would be more miscarriages. I can't believe I think this way.

Which leads me to my thoughts on having more children. I am getting that itch again. Ainsley is changing far faster than I ever imagined. Yesterday after she threw her bottle across the backseat of the car and screamed, "UH-OHHHHHH Maaa!" I have been having dreams about her being a big sister and how wonderful she would be. She has learned what "nice touching" means. (She no longer has the desire to rip the other kids' eyes out. Instead, she pats them somewhat gently.) So our evening talks have lead to the concensus that if I can get my ass in shape and lose a little more weight, we *may* start trying again at the end of this year. I started charting again, not temping or looking for ovulation, but charting to see how regular my cycles are. I guess if all goes as planned, we will start up the Prometrium again in the fall to prepare. Time will tell.

I also mentioned my family has drama. Both my grandmothers have suddenly lost their marbles and are in need of one-on-one care. They have both lived without their husbands for many, many years, but both are actually physically fighting with my parents about what the next step should be. Their cars have been taken away in fear they will kill themselves or some small child. My paternal grandmother, who is quite wealthy, just went and took a cab to the local dealer and bought a new car. That is about the time my father put her in his car and drove her back to his home halfway across the U.S. They are trying to figure out what to do. It is a mess. He said yesterday she looked at him and said, "The vodka is chasing the chinamen." (?!?!?!?) In the next breath, she will recite the history of the first World War. And to top it all off, Mike's grandmother has been diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. It is overwhelming, at times.

So, that is about it. What's new in your world?

So, we are trying to get better here. But this croup-crap stinks. I hope that my little one feels better soon. Along with the meds from the doc for her breathing, we are trying some herbal remedies with eucalyptus from a lovely Venezualan lady at my work.

Anyway, don't read too much into this and I will try to explain later. But have you ever known anyone that wasn't so honest on their taxes? (This could be a highly personal question, so you could just call yourself "Bob" if you don't want me to know you actually did it . . . hahahaha.) Were there any repercussions down the line? Have you ever known anyone that was audited?

Explanations forthcoming . . . .

Croup. Much coughing. Much snot. Two teeth in two days. No sleeping. Much screaming. Send help.

Remember this guy? I had a stuffed one as a kid with eyes that rolled around. He was my favorite.

His funny picture is on the top of Ainsley's diapers, so when Mike was changing her this morning, I heard him say, "Ainsley! Look at Elmo!"

I guess it is a good thing she doesn't know any differently yet!

This Smiles-by-Wire thing is pretty nifty. I would have ordered it before when we got her pictures done, but I didn't even know it existed.

(*Pictures removed.) These were taken last weekend for her 9-month pictures. It was really hard to get her to stay in place, so of course we have a lot of funny ones of her crawling. I looked at the guy and said, "Could you please give her something?" He threw a teddy bear out there and she picked it up and looked at it like, "What the hell is this thing??" The flowers were more interesting and had more to study . . very intensely, apparently.

All is going okay here. I promise I will try to post something with a little more "meat" soon. Look for upcoming posts on our latest discussion on baby #2** (no, not pregnant, but starting to 'think' about the next one) and how our educational system is failing my students. Oh yeah, and one on my extended dysfunctional family drama. It just might make you feel like your own is . . . not so crazy.

**Might I add that I am being really positive about actually having another baby. There is a huge part of me that worries I may never have another because I will miscarry again and again, like before. So, all this talk is the optimist in me, I guess.

Wow! Isn't this crazy?

Not even sure what to think of it, but if these doctors can make this happen, I can imagine, despite the risks, it would make a lot of women very, very happy.

*Random thoughts on baby showers: I went to a fully-catered baby shower yesterday for another teacher that got more for her baby than I think all of the women on my blog roll have combined. I sat there for a good hour, patiently waiting for her to open my gift, and I realized something was building up inside of me. On the short drive home, I realized that I am obviously never fully going to be over the difficulties I encountered trying to have Ainsley because I was jealous. Isn't this horrifying? Not jealous of her shower or the gifts, persay, but envious that is was so easy for her. I don't fully understand this, but I have been craving another baby the past few days. I know, I know. Wacky. I told my husband my feelings last night and he said gently, "Sweetie, I will make sure we get up to feed Ainsley every two hours tonight. And drink lots of water before bed so you have to pee all night. And strap these bags of flour to your body. Oh yeah, and set the alarm for 4:30 am." Because we forget all of that, the beginning parts that are so hard.

In the end, it is all worth it. And while I don't think I am ready quite yet, we did talk about having another baby three times today and how great it would be to see Ainsley with a baby brother or sister.

All in due time, hopefully.

Ainsley has outgrown her carseat, so we ordered a Britax Marathon here. They have free shipping and a little more selection than our local stores.

I linked to this video a few months ago. I don't know why I feel like it is so important to get "it" out there, but in case any of you are looking for a great seat that you can still have in a rear-facing position in the car, check out the ones on the website. The one the Mom mentions in the video is also available on that site and goes all the way to 80 lbs.

Dear Ainsley,

You are 9 months old today, sweetie. As soon as your Daddy rolled over this morning, he whispered birthday wishes in the general direction of your room. As soon as he finished, as if you could hear him all the way down the hallway, you sat up in your crib and said, "Dada?" When you say "Dada", you always whisper it, like it is your secret that you love him so much. When you say, "Mama", you scream it. (smile)



At 9 months, you are definitely testing the waters already! You began crawling the Saturday after Thanksgiving and since then, you have been cruising the furniture around the house. Yesterday I actually found you pulling yourself up on a bra I had drying from the laundry room doorknob. Silly Mommy. I even gave your playgym to your daycare today because you pulled yourself up on it last night and then not-so-gracefully toppled over and bumped your head on the wall. Everyone here has bets on when you will take your first independent steps. I am betting you will give your Daddy and I a Valentine's Day present and do it around then.



On the way home from daycare yesterday, I heard slapping noises coming from the backseat and I thought you were hitting yourself in the head. At the next red light, I turned around and saw the sweetest sight: you have learned how to play pattycake. Now you clap when you are happy, you clap to get our attention, and you clap at the dog, who loves you in her own special way, I am sure.



On Wednesday we went up to your Daddy's school so he could show you off to all his coworkers and his students. They all thought you were amazingly beautiful and each one commented on how much you looked like your Daddy. He was beaming ear to ear. That night you pulled the blanket off the couch and held it up to your face, pulling it down a few seconds later, yelling, "Aghhh!" It took your parents a few minutes to realize you were playing Peek-a-boo! We asked your teachers and they said they had been teaching the children in your room that. Now you play peek-a-boo with a shirt on the floor or anything else that even remotely covers your face. This morning you even picked up an extra baby wipe off the floor and played peek-a-boo with that. It is one of the cutest things I have seen you do thus far.

Your favorite toys right now include the remote control (minus the batteries) and your plastic blocks Mommy got you when you were little. You still love your Elephant book that makes noises the most. You love being naked and having your hair washed, but you hate getting dressed, having your nose wiped, and the vacuum cleaner. You won't tolerate your swing anymore and your exersaucer, which you used to love so much, now frustrates you because you can't get out of it to cruise around. When you are angry, you hit your legs or slap hands away. When you are happy, you giggle loudly, belt out happy screams, and spit a lot.



While I knew when you were born how much I loved you, it still overwhelms me some to actually realize what you mean to your father and I. Whether I am blowing raspberries on your belly, combing your hair, or trying to get you to cuddle with me, I love the way you make me feel when I am with you. Like I am looking in on a smaller version of myself. You are the most beautiful, amazing child and I could not be more blessed than I am right now.

Happy birthday, sweetie.
Love, Mommy

When I was seventeen, I met my first husband. (I didn't know that he would eventually be my husband at the time, of course.) He came with a mean temperment, yet a big heart, and Chloe, his (then) pit/lab mix, came with him as a package deal. We moved in together shortly after high school. I told the shortened version of our stormy relationship here.

Now here I am, many years later . . . . with a totally different life, a life I am so much happier in. I have a baby that fills my days with joy. (and a better husband, too.) And I still have Chloe, the now 14-year old dog that I made mine when I met my first husband. Ironically, I left the marriage with mounds of debt and left every material possession to him, but I took Chloe. I wasn't about to let him raise her when he could barely raise himself.

Here is my issue: Chloe's quality of life is fair. She is on prescription dog food, thyroid medication, and a pain pill to relieve any issues she sometimes gets with sore hips. She still eats, drinks, shits, but mostly sleeps. She is 85% deaf, but her eyesight seems decent, although she recently developed cataracts. She has a series of fatty tumors on her front chest area, but they aren't cancerous and don't seem to bother her at all. She doesn't like to play anymore, but is always happy to see us and sleeps next to our bed every night. She is very sweet and never showed any jealousy towards Ainsley when she arrived.

Now that Ainsley is crawling at the speed of light and almost walking, Chloe has a different perspective of her. I think it is a cross between annoyance and apathy. And what stinks is that I feel like I have to separate them when they are in the same room because while Chloe has never "bitten" anyone, she has never been around children and that makes her, in my mind, somewhat unpredictable. While I was in labor, actually, my friend K came over to feed her and brought her toddler and Chloe nipped at him and growled at him. Chloe is just old and I don't think she wants to share her house with another "small animal".

I don't know how much longer Chloe will make it. She doesn't have doggie dementia or anything, but she nipped in Ainsley's direction for the first time tonight. It is A LOT of work to keep them apart and it is supposed to snow here tonight, so Chloe is inside. I don't think it is fair to shove Chloe in a room when she has been used to roaming the house for 14 years and doing what she wants. But at the same time, I don't know if it is fair to take the chance that Ainsley could possibly get nipped by Chloe.

Chloe does have all of the signs of late-stage aging, according to our vet. Plus she has been losing her hair in chunks and let's just say that is NOT something that I am enjoying constantly cleaning, vacuuming up, and then taking out of Ainsley's mouth every two seconds. It feels like this house is never clean anymore since that has started happening. I also once read on someone's blog, but I can't remember who it was, about how when you have children, you often times have less patience for your animals. I hate feeling that way.

My childhood dog was kept alive too long, I felt, and when my Mom finally put her down, she had declined so quickly. I don't ever want Chloe to be in pain or not know who we are. Do we wait to consider putting her down until she is having a hard time? What do I do when Ainsley is walking?

What would you do?

Allrightie, ladies. Let's talk about your list.

Don't act like you haven't thought about those five yummy men you could have if you were allowed. Actors, singers, sports stars, anyone generally in the limelight. Remember the "Friends" episode where they revised their list of 5? Hilarious! But really, I am listing mine specifically because I would still like to bask in the glow of the most erotic dream I had last night about my #1 and #2 men. (Oh yes, they were both there.) Maybe I am ovulating or something.

1. Channing Tatum
2. Derek Jeter
3. Gale Harold
4. Mickey Rourke, but only in the 80s. He is gross now.
5. Patrick Dempsey (*My Grey's Anatomy addiction explained.) Does anyone remember that old movie "Can't Buy Me Love?" he was in??

Now, who is on your list???