Becoming a Mother Afterall

Um, yeah. Since my mammary glands SUCKED and never made mounds of milk like they should have, what am I supposed to do about this?!?!?!?! Is there another brand of bottle out there other than those 5? Because she has been using Dr. Brown's and Avent since my boobs failed me. (and her)

Is there ANYTHING that is good for ANYONE anymore????

Changes are in store. (Ya-hoo!!!!) I have found someone to assist me with a new blog design and I will soon be relocating. All information will be forthcoming.

On the home front, my period is missing and the baby is teething something ferocious. Fun stuff, I tell ya.

Sometimes you don't realize how freaking boring your blog is until you go back and read. Before Ainsley arrived and I was in the throws of miscarriage nightmares, infertility, temping blah blah, I actually had a couple of witty posts. I am not a fabulous writer like this person or this person or even this one. But I didn't really suck. Now? I read a post recently that attracted my attention. I am not on her blogroll because of the password protection (I think) but I immediately started thinking about my last, let's say, 50 posts. Let me sum it up for you in a few words.

Sickness, baby stuff, bitching and whining, more baby stuff, happiness at new milestones, and babybabybaby.

I have to do something to make this more interesting. Is anyone falling asleep yet? Is that why my readers have dropped off?

I'm off to shower and contemplate how to make the blog a little more . . . . hip and a little less . . . . dull.

P.S. Silly Hilly, if you are reading this, please please please send me your information so I can see your blog!!!!! I miss you and now I can't get to you!!!

P.P.S. Is there anyone that would be interested in helping me design a header for the the blog? (I don't even know what it is *technically* called.)

Okay, so I think I am going to remove the password protection and just keep her pictures, or at least the majority of them, on Ainsley's photoblog. A few people already have the user name and password for it and if you end up wanting it, please just email me.

Jenn made an interesting comment. It makes sense, Jenn. Why would someone want to password protect their blog just to keep the creep-os from looking at their child when they could (and inevitably will) see them in public? I don't quite know how to answer that except to say that I feel like I have some control on who is looking at her in public. (at least at this age) With her pictures on the internet, I can't *see* who is looking at her and when. The hair just stands up on my arms thinking about it, really. I am not sure where this fear comes from, but I could give you some background on when I realized how many predators there really are out there.

In college, my undergraduate degree was in Social Work and Sociology. The FBI agent who arrested a famous pop star here in Las Vegas many years ago at a local hotel for various things, along with a disgusting set of child pornography, said that it made him sick to see some of the things he found in his hotel room. He, of course, did not disclose all of that information and I am certainly not attempting to piss off any fans out there. Personally, I think he has gotten away with so many horrible things all because of money and fame. He is a waste of breath.

Anyway, the same FBI agent told us that he began working many years ago for a unit that handled sexual predators and he began investigating many local cases of child predators. He began researching their behaviors, documenting the similarities, and looking for clues on how to catch other predatory criminals. One thing he said he learned when talking to another agent who apparently had, at that time, written a book on child predators, was that if you really open your eyes . . . you will see they are everywhere. The local fast-food joint, the street outside an elementary school, the mall, anywhere. The agent began taking note of men that loitered around establishments that housed children. He went to 10 local casino arcades and watched men standing outside many of them, staring at children. He took notes, observed behaviors. He became so aware of what he was seeing that later that month at his 7-year old daughter's soccer game, he noticed a man taking pictures of the game and he realized he was not a father of any of the girls. He approached the man. He asked who he was taking pictures of. The man ran. He was tackled by the agent and two other fathers. He had a long rap sheet and was arrested that very day. The photos? All zoomed in pictures of the lower half of the girls. Horrifying.

So, for one of my final projects, I chose five local places that I thought were public enough that I could observe without being noticed and places that all had varying ages of children around. I chose a local mall, a toy store, a large city park, a municipal swimming pool, and an after school program at a Boys and Girls Club. I went to each location at least 5 times over a two month period and at different times of the day. Sometimes I saw nothing out of the ordinary. But as time passed, I picked up on a few things. At the park, I took notice of a young, handsome man walking his dog on three different occasions. Each time, he started a conversation with a group of boys playing basketball. It was almost as if he steered his way to the courts to get their attention. Could have been nothing, but it could have been everything. There were other instances where I couldn't be sure, but that I just *had that feeling* that something was off with the person.

At school this year, we have had two instances where someone came on campus and attempted to approach a student. In one case, the man entered a portable classroom that was unlocked and grabbed the girl nearest to the door and drug her out. The teacher was able to wrestle the girl away and the police were called. He was, indeed, a parent of another girl at our location, but he said, "He thought the girl was his daughter." It wasn't. Because our school is under construction, I also approached a construction worker at the beginning of school that was clearly oogling two of my female students. I gave him the tongue lashing of a lifetime and reported him to his supervisor. I wasn't sure he would do anything, so I called the company, too, later that afternoon. Needless to say, I haven't seen him since.

Maybe I am overeacting some, but I just feel like it is my duty to protect Ainsley from these horrible people as best as I can. I know some other online friends only show pictures of their child when their face is turned. Some simply show them for a few hours and then remove the picture. To each their own. I am fine with whatever choices everyone makes. But for me, I just feel more comfortable knowing to some degree who is looking at her and for how long. Even in public, as I said above, it is hard to really see who is watching. And I know it is highly unlikely that anyone would be prowling blogs for pictures of babies. But I just have to say, "What if?" and treat her as precious cargo. She is the biggest piece of me and carries my heart. If I could always keep her safe, I would. Feasibly, this is something I do have some power over right now, so I will do my best to keep her sacred.

Okay, Grey's is getting ready to come on. I will work on the blog tomorrow. In the meantime, let me know your thoughts or if you would like a password to her photoblog. Happy Thursday!

Okay, either no one is reading me anymore or everyone has upgraded their browsers to IE7 and has lost their user name and password to access this site. I am feeling a little whiney and pouty and I wish I could logically figure out a way to have unresticted readers without the worry that some freako will be looking at pictures of my daughter. I guess I could just use her blog for the pictures and give everyone the password to that . . . I don't know. I just miss the days when I felt like I had more commentary going on. Am I that boring now that I am a Mom?

Anyway, for those who guessed, great guesses! But her first "real" word was FISH! She has one of these aquariums strapped to the side of her crib and we are constantly pointing out her fish and saying, "Goodnight fish!" and "Good morning fish!" She picked up on it and "fish" is now her new word. :-)

I welcome any ideas on the password protection issue . . .

For a while now, Ainsley has said, "Mama" and whispers "Dada". There was a time she said them for no reason. She even went through a phase where she said "Mama" to her bottle. But for the past month or so, she knows who Mama and Dada are and she calls for us specifically without any hesitation. So . . . technically, those were her first words.

But this morning, after a few mornings that I was almost sure she was going to say it, she said her first real word, in a whisper, as if she was shocked it came out of her mouth, and then she looked and me and grinned, repeating it louder the second time.

Because it's Friday and I am bored, I am going to copy Cat's game and see if anyone can guess what the word was. (Hint: She said it to/about something in her crib.)

Ten *New* Things that I Love About My Daughter:
1. Seeing those four pearly whites when she smiles. It is almost as if she knows to show them off!
2. Watching her listen intently to my commands. "Ainsley, can I have the book?" She focuses on me, then on the book in her hand, and then slowly hands it to me.
3. The way she "kisses" the duck while in the bathtub. "Ainsley! Kiss the duck!" She smiles but can't quite pucker her lips, so she just open-mouths the duck's head.
4. Her newfound independence while crusing the furniture is amazing. She doesn't even hold on anymore, just slightly grazes one hand over the couch cushions and walks from Daddy to Mommy, switches sides, and then from Mommy to Daddy.
5. Her happy scream, which has turned into the loudest thing I have ever heard! Her favorite person to scream at is Hunter, her new friend at daycare. They actually chase each other around the room, screaming and laughing hysterically.
6. The way she now lets us take her clothes off at night and also dress her in the mornings. As long as she has a book to look at, a wipe to swing in the air, or a off-key song from her Mom and Dad, all is good.
7. Spitting up has slowed down A LOT! Ya-hoo!
8. The way she signs the word "more". I haven't been signing with her and I am not 100% sure how I feel about it, but the one sign, "More?" she has picked up from watching another teacher and boy at daycare. I started doing it at home a few weeks ago at dinner and she signs it by putting her fingers to her lips. She signs "More!" for her fruit puffs, her favorite flavor being Sweet Potato or Peach.
9. The way she closes her eyes right before her butt hits the floor or right before she is about to hit her head on something. (toy, book, etc.) She knows it may hurt and she flinches - it is funny!
10. Lastly, I love the way she curls my hair around her fingers at night when I am rocking her to sleep. For the past few nights, she has signaled to us she is ready for bed by standing up while holding onto the rocking chair, reaching for her bottle, and moaning, "nnnnnnnnn". We say "night, night" to her when we turn off the lights, so I think she could be 'saying' that.

This age has held so many new discoveries. I remember in the beginning how she changed and grew so quickly and now it seems every time I turn around, she is not quite the same little girl she was 10 minutes before that. Tomorrow we are going here to try out a class for her age group. I am so excited because I reached out to another Mom in our daycare and she is going to meet us there.

Feeling blessed today . . .