Becoming a Mother Afterall

For a while now, Ainsley has said, "Mama" and whispers "Dada". There was a time she said them for no reason. She even went through a phase where she said "Mama" to her bottle. But for the past month or so, she knows who Mama and Dada are and she calls for us specifically without any hesitation. So . . . technically, those were her first words.

But this morning, after a few mornings that I was almost sure she was going to say it, she said her first real word, in a whisper, as if she was shocked it came out of her mouth, and then she looked and me and grinned, repeating it louder the second time.

Because it's Friday and I am bored, I am going to copy Cat's game and see if anyone can guess what the word was. (Hint: She said it to/about something in her crib.)

Ten *New* Things that I Love About My Daughter:
1. Seeing those four pearly whites when she smiles. It is almost as if she knows to show them off!
2. Watching her listen intently to my commands. "Ainsley, can I have the book?" She focuses on me, then on the book in her hand, and then slowly hands it to me.
3. The way she "kisses" the duck while in the bathtub. "Ainsley! Kiss the duck!" She smiles but can't quite pucker her lips, so she just open-mouths the duck's head.
4. Her newfound independence while crusing the furniture is amazing. She doesn't even hold on anymore, just slightly grazes one hand over the couch cushions and walks from Daddy to Mommy, switches sides, and then from Mommy to Daddy.
5. Her happy scream, which has turned into the loudest thing I have ever heard! Her favorite person to scream at is Hunter, her new friend at daycare. They actually chase each other around the room, screaming and laughing hysterically.
6. The way she now lets us take her clothes off at night and also dress her in the mornings. As long as she has a book to look at, a wipe to swing in the air, or a off-key song from her Mom and Dad, all is good.
7. Spitting up has slowed down A LOT! Ya-hoo!
8. The way she signs the word "more". I haven't been signing with her and I am not 100% sure how I feel about it, but the one sign, "More?" she has picked up from watching another teacher and boy at daycare. I started doing it at home a few weeks ago at dinner and she signs it by putting her fingers to her lips. She signs "More!" for her fruit puffs, her favorite flavor being Sweet Potato or Peach.
9. The way she closes her eyes right before her butt hits the floor or right before she is about to hit her head on something. (toy, book, etc.) She knows it may hurt and she flinches - it is funny!
10. Lastly, I love the way she curls my hair around her fingers at night when I am rocking her to sleep. For the past few nights, she has signaled to us she is ready for bed by standing up while holding onto the rocking chair, reaching for her bottle, and moaning, "nnnnnnnnn". We say "night, night" to her when we turn off the lights, so I think she could be 'saying' that.

This age has held so many new discoveries. I remember in the beginning how she changed and grew so quickly and now it seems every time I turn around, she is not quite the same little girl she was 10 minutes before that. Tomorrow we are going here to try out a class for her age group. I am so excited because I reached out to another Mom in our daycare and she is going to meet us there.

Feeling blessed today . . .

Well, let's see. I had things I wanted to talk about here, none I am sure of which you want to actually hear about.

Ainsley seems to be getting better slowly. She is coughing much less. We put multiple humidifiers in her room and I think that is helping. I have been praying that we have at least two months where there is no sickness in our house, so let's see if someone is listening.

Work sucks. I love my students. But I hate the political pansy-ass b.s. that our district is trying to conform to thanks to the No-Child-Left-Behind Act, a.k.a No-Child-Left-Untested. I love my principal, but the assistant principal is going to make me lose my mind. I remember my first few years teaching, I always felt so lucky that my principal would walk in during a killer-lesson where every child was engaged or I was doing some wonderful hands-on activity with them. This year? My assistant principal has walked in during the most awful moments. Everyone knows the big no-no for a teacher is to see them sitting down, unless they are assessing a student. When I was pregnant, I was sitting by noon everyday and I didn't even care if anyone walked in. My feet hurt and my bladder was splitting open. Now I have no excuses, but we are under construction at our school and I have to walk an insane amount more than I ever have before and I wear cheap shoes because I don't make enough damn money, so my feet hurt. I sat down today in one of my students' groups and discussed their project. She walked in. She hates me. She doesn't care that I have a great relationship with my administrator. I am telling you - she is out to get me. What I really want is to get an endoresement to teach gifted children in a program we have here in Nevada, but the four classes I need total $3200. Did I mention I don't make enough money?

Which leads me to my taxes. I changed my witholding last year and forgot to change it back, hoping to increase my monthly checks during my maternity leave. The result? We are not getting any money back. Matter of fact, we have to pay. And I was *counting* on the money to partially pay for my endoresement, pay off a few small bills, and finish our sideyard. Now? I am trying to figure out what in the hell to do. I am too afraid to lie on my taxes, even though I know an area where I could feasibly do it and we could get a little money back in the end. What is sad is I am not afraid of getting audited, but I am afraid of karma. Knowing me, my karmic resolution would be more miscarriages. I can't believe I think this way.

Which leads me to my thoughts on having more children. I am getting that itch again. Ainsley is changing far faster than I ever imagined. Yesterday after she threw her bottle across the backseat of the car and screamed, "UH-OHHHHHH Maaa!" I have been having dreams about her being a big sister and how wonderful she would be. She has learned what "nice touching" means. (She no longer has the desire to rip the other kids' eyes out. Instead, she pats them somewhat gently.) So our evening talks have lead to the concensus that if I can get my ass in shape and lose a little more weight, we *may* start trying again at the end of this year. I started charting again, not temping or looking for ovulation, but charting to see how regular my cycles are. I guess if all goes as planned, we will start up the Prometrium again in the fall to prepare. Time will tell.

I also mentioned my family has drama. Both my grandmothers have suddenly lost their marbles and are in need of one-on-one care. They have both lived without their husbands for many, many years, but both are actually physically fighting with my parents about what the next step should be. Their cars have been taken away in fear they will kill themselves or some small child. My paternal grandmother, who is quite wealthy, just went and took a cab to the local dealer and bought a new car. That is about the time my father put her in his car and drove her back to his home halfway across the U.S. They are trying to figure out what to do. It is a mess. He said yesterday she looked at him and said, "The vodka is chasing the chinamen." (?!?!?!?) In the next breath, she will recite the history of the first World War. And to top it all off, Mike's grandmother has been diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. It is overwhelming, at times.

So, that is about it. What's new in your world?