Becoming a Mother Afterall

Dear Ainsley,

You are 9 months old today, sweetie. As soon as your Daddy rolled over this morning, he whispered birthday wishes in the general direction of your room. As soon as he finished, as if you could hear him all the way down the hallway, you sat up in your crib and said, "Dada?" When you say "Dada", you always whisper it, like it is your secret that you love him so much. When you say, "Mama", you scream it. (smile)



At 9 months, you are definitely testing the waters already! You began crawling the Saturday after Thanksgiving and since then, you have been cruising the furniture around the house. Yesterday I actually found you pulling yourself up on a bra I had drying from the laundry room doorknob. Silly Mommy. I even gave your playgym to your daycare today because you pulled yourself up on it last night and then not-so-gracefully toppled over and bumped your head on the wall. Everyone here has bets on when you will take your first independent steps. I am betting you will give your Daddy and I a Valentine's Day present and do it around then.



On the way home from daycare yesterday, I heard slapping noises coming from the backseat and I thought you were hitting yourself in the head. At the next red light, I turned around and saw the sweetest sight: you have learned how to play pattycake. Now you clap when you are happy, you clap to get our attention, and you clap at the dog, who loves you in her own special way, I am sure.



On Wednesday we went up to your Daddy's school so he could show you off to all his coworkers and his students. They all thought you were amazingly beautiful and each one commented on how much you looked like your Daddy. He was beaming ear to ear. That night you pulled the blanket off the couch and held it up to your face, pulling it down a few seconds later, yelling, "Aghhh!" It took your parents a few minutes to realize you were playing Peek-a-boo! We asked your teachers and they said they had been teaching the children in your room that. Now you play peek-a-boo with a shirt on the floor or anything else that even remotely covers your face. This morning you even picked up an extra baby wipe off the floor and played peek-a-boo with that. It is one of the cutest things I have seen you do thus far.

Your favorite toys right now include the remote control (minus the batteries) and your plastic blocks Mommy got you when you were little. You still love your Elephant book that makes noises the most. You love being naked and having your hair washed, but you hate getting dressed, having your nose wiped, and the vacuum cleaner. You won't tolerate your swing anymore and your exersaucer, which you used to love so much, now frustrates you because you can't get out of it to cruise around. When you are angry, you hit your legs or slap hands away. When you are happy, you giggle loudly, belt out happy screams, and spit a lot.



While I knew when you were born how much I loved you, it still overwhelms me some to actually realize what you mean to your father and I. Whether I am blowing raspberries on your belly, combing your hair, or trying to get you to cuddle with me, I love the way you make me feel when I am with you. Like I am looking in on a smaller version of myself. You are the most beautiful, amazing child and I could not be more blessed than I am right now.

Happy birthday, sweetie.
Love, Mommy

When I was seventeen, I met my first husband. (I didn't know that he would eventually be my husband at the time, of course.) He came with a mean temperment, yet a big heart, and Chloe, his (then) pit/lab mix, came with him as a package deal. We moved in together shortly after high school. I told the shortened version of our stormy relationship here.

Now here I am, many years later . . . . with a totally different life, a life I am so much happier in. I have a baby that fills my days with joy. (and a better husband, too.) And I still have Chloe, the now 14-year old dog that I made mine when I met my first husband. Ironically, I left the marriage with mounds of debt and left every material possession to him, but I took Chloe. I wasn't about to let him raise her when he could barely raise himself.

Here is my issue: Chloe's quality of life is fair. She is on prescription dog food, thyroid medication, and a pain pill to relieve any issues she sometimes gets with sore hips. She still eats, drinks, shits, but mostly sleeps. She is 85% deaf, but her eyesight seems decent, although she recently developed cataracts. She has a series of fatty tumors on her front chest area, but they aren't cancerous and don't seem to bother her at all. She doesn't like to play anymore, but is always happy to see us and sleeps next to our bed every night. She is very sweet and never showed any jealousy towards Ainsley when she arrived.

Now that Ainsley is crawling at the speed of light and almost walking, Chloe has a different perspective of her. I think it is a cross between annoyance and apathy. And what stinks is that I feel like I have to separate them when they are in the same room because while Chloe has never "bitten" anyone, she has never been around children and that makes her, in my mind, somewhat unpredictable. While I was in labor, actually, my friend K came over to feed her and brought her toddler and Chloe nipped at him and growled at him. Chloe is just old and I don't think she wants to share her house with another "small animal".

I don't know how much longer Chloe will make it. She doesn't have doggie dementia or anything, but she nipped in Ainsley's direction for the first time tonight. It is A LOT of work to keep them apart and it is supposed to snow here tonight, so Chloe is inside. I don't think it is fair to shove Chloe in a room when she has been used to roaming the house for 14 years and doing what she wants. But at the same time, I don't know if it is fair to take the chance that Ainsley could possibly get nipped by Chloe.

Chloe does have all of the signs of late-stage aging, according to our vet. Plus she has been losing her hair in chunks and let's just say that is NOT something that I am enjoying constantly cleaning, vacuuming up, and then taking out of Ainsley's mouth every two seconds. It feels like this house is never clean anymore since that has started happening. I also once read on someone's blog, but I can't remember who it was, about how when you have children, you often times have less patience for your animals. I hate feeling that way.

My childhood dog was kept alive too long, I felt, and when my Mom finally put her down, she had declined so quickly. I don't ever want Chloe to be in pain or not know who we are. Do we wait to consider putting her down until she is having a hard time? What do I do when Ainsley is walking?

What would you do?

Allrightie, ladies. Let's talk about your list.

Don't act like you haven't thought about those five yummy men you could have if you were allowed. Actors, singers, sports stars, anyone generally in the limelight. Remember the "Friends" episode where they revised their list of 5? Hilarious! But really, I am listing mine specifically because I would still like to bask in the glow of the most erotic dream I had last night about my #1 and #2 men. (Oh yes, they were both there.) Maybe I am ovulating or something.

1. Channing Tatum
2. Derek Jeter
3. Gale Harold
4. Mickey Rourke, but only in the 80s. He is gross now.
5. Patrick Dempsey (*My Grey's Anatomy addiction explained.) Does anyone remember that old movie "Can't Buy Me Love?" he was in??

Now, who is on your list???