Becoming a Mother Afterall

Croup. Much coughing. Much snot. Two teeth in two days. No sleeping. Much screaming. Send help.

I know how much you wanted to hear about how Ainsley is sick again, right? God my measily 6 weeks of breastmilk must have been like tap water to her. I actually don't know if she is sick-sick or if it is teething-sick. Her nose is running up a storm and she has a slight cough. We were up a lot last night. Does anyone else still get up in the middle of the night (sometimes for no apparent reason) to comfort their nearly 9-month old? I was so hoping those days were over! (not the having to comfort her, but the solid sleep pattern we had for, oh, 8 weeks or so. . . . sigh . . . )

Anyway, we had some gift cards to *cash in* today, so we made our way through one of the more fancy, touristy malls here in LV. I went into Children's Place because Ainsley has now grown out of all 6-9 month clothing and even some 12-month things, so I am looking for 12-18 month outfits and 18 month outfits. I browsed through the sale rack and picked out a few things and did what I always do while trying to talk to her, pick up her sippy cup off the floor 456 times, and put her socks back on . . . I hung the clothes on the stroller as I walked around.

Yeah.

Made it all the way to the parking garage with baby in tow (and husband) before I realized that I had some rather cute outfits still hanging from the stroller. It is truly a miracle I don't leave the house in my pajamas, I swear.

This new year is so different than what I expected it to be.

I spent the day laying around with the baby attached to me. She has had a 102 fever on and off all day and has thrown up all over the house, all over her Mom and Dad, and even once for the dog, who I yelled at to scram because she wanted to "clean it up".

I have no resolutions. I have prayed for Ainsley to be well and it seems that no one is listening because she keeps getting sick. It almost seems like every 4-5 weeks, we have something going on with her health. Because of our fear from the original UTI, we took her in today and they cath'ed her again and sent her urine off to be cultured. I missed her kidney and bladder ultrasound appointment the day after Christmas because my Mom's plane was delayed. The doctor seemed disgruntled with me today because we don't know the status of her kidneys. And while I feel so badly for Ainsley and have cried and wished I was the sick one, I feel guilty because I know this whole sickness is going to infringe on those few moments I have every evening after she goes to bed when I can quietly sit down and read or even watch something I recorded long ago.

I love being a Mom, but I have a hard time with this part of it. I tried reaching out to a Mom at daycare whose son is the same age as Ainsley, and she belongs to a coffee group that meets once a week with their kids and talks about parenting, etc. I would love to go, but does it seems strange that I am slightly judgemental of her already? She drives a Lexus, has the perfect hair, perfect size 2, and complains about being tired and losing her figure. Me? I am lucky that my size 14s are fitting, along with the 12 here and there, my hair sucks, and my 4Runner smells like baby puke.

I read an old blog I used to read a few years ago and saw that she had begun posting again after taking a brief break after having her twins. I felt a lot of my emotions were reflected in some of her posts, but she has twins! I should not be feeling all of this, right?

Sometimes, sadly enough, I feel like the people I can connect to the most are some of you online. I guess you really know you care for someone and can sense their emotions when you feel raw and open after reading about their new heartaches, etc. Another friend of mine has a little girl who is 2 months behind Ainsley, but she has such a different relationship with her child. They lay around and sleep all day and they don't get out much. Ainsley, when feeling well, is IN EVERYTHING. She would eat the wood floor if it wasn't nailed down.

I don't know. Hopefully she will feel better tomorrow. Hopefully I will, too.

I am in a funk and that really sucks since it is Christmas time and I should be happy and excited and . . . merry. Below I have composed a list which I will entitle, "All Things That Make Me Scroogish and Un-Merry When I Should Be Otherwise".

1. My husband is sick. Again. And he is never sick. And when he is sick, he turns into this whiney version of Bart Simpson and I really just want to choke him because he wants help, but then doesn't accept it, but then wants Harry and David soup, but then says that it made him sick, but then he wants chicken, but then he doesn't eat it.

2. Ainsley's vocabulary has changed and I am starting to feel a little jealous of Mr. Bottle. She was saying very specifically, "Mama!" and "Dada!" to us. And "Ppppppp" for our dog, whom we tenderly refer to as a puppy even though she is older than God. She also said "bababa" for her bottle. When she has her bottle, she lovingly twirls it around and moans softly to it and then teases it a little and then shoves it in her mouth and pulls it out, stares at it, and laughs at it like it is her friend. Now? Now she screams, "MAMAMAMAMA!" at her bottle. "Bababa" is no longer apparent and of course "Dada" is still sticking around. Me? I am just that lady who wipes her butt.

3. There has been a change in administration at my school this year and to make a long story short, I am having difficulties adjusting to a new personality at my school. And I think she is out to get me. She has so far caught me on a multitude of things that she says I am doing incorrectly and today I balled my eyes out for half an hour because her comments make me second-guess myself and I shouldn't have to do that. My kid's test scores show so much growth. Apparently she thinks that is just a fluke. How is it that in one day I have two parents tell me that I have been the changing factor in their child's education and how they appreciate my hard work, but then she tells me that I don't engage my children during a lesson. WTF? I had perfect evaluations two weeks ago from the other administrator. And now half the school is ready to leave because she is hounding them about these miniscule, tiny things.

4. Ainsley is teething up a storm and is super-cranky. One tooth has broken through and the second is right there behind it. I am exhausted from not getting enough sleep because she wakes up crying a few times here and there, which in turn wakes me up.

5. I can't remember #5.

6. I need new brakes on the 4 Runner and I am stretched too thin because of Christmas.

7. MY Dad came and installed gates on our stairs for the baby, but he had to rig them a certain way because our stairs don't accomodate the gates well. Now I am worried she is going to go flying down the stairs. She pulled herself up last night on the bannister and then screamed because she couldn't figure out how to get down.

I am worn out . . .

Well, after Wednesday's night vomit session, as I said, we spoke in length to Ainsley's doctor on the phone. Nothing like worrying about your daughter to put a damper on Thanksigiving, but we made the best of it. We actually decided to wait on the upper/lower GI because she has not vomited since Wednesday night. (knocking madly on wood) She has since had two bowel movements, the last one which we transported to the doc today to have them test it for blood. It is funny, in a way, because it wasn't too long ago I was transporting my husband's little men to a different doctor entirely to have tests run. I am not sure which was more pleasant.

The good news is that her stool tested negative for any blood, but she is very constipated. The doc said to give her alternated water feedings for two days. Seems logical. She seems to be somewhat better, her color is better, but I think her first tooth is ready to make an appearance any day now, hence the screaming that never ceases around here. Nothing seems to soothe her poor mouth. This morning she chewed on my hand for a good half hour. Hopefully it will get better soon.

It was such a relief knowing that she is most likely not experiencing any type of bowel obstruction. The vomiting is still worrisome, but we are going to cross our fingers and just hope it took her longer to get over her bug or something. Other news: She crawled forward today!! And thankfully, she was here with us both when it happened and not at daycare. She started the morning scooting forwards on her belly and by lunch, she was doing some pretty impressive lunges. She is growing up so fast . . .

Lastly, Aunt Flo came for her belated visit this afternoon and she brought some champion cramps along with her. It comes with mixed emotions because I was really starting to think I was pregnant again. That is okay . . . I would much rather Ainsley be older when and if we are able to have another baby.

I am at home with Ainsley, who is sick again. I have already laid the well-constructed guilt trip on myself about how my measily amount of breast milk has done this child no good and how daycare has suceeded in making her a regular at my local pediatrician's office.

But you want to know what I am most pissed off about??

Why is it that I have been trying to get her a flu shot for weeks and the doctor's receptionist tells me that they don't have them in yet, blah-blah-blah . . . and today, the nurse told me that they have to reserve their current supply for "state patients and medicaid patients" only. WTFFFFFFF?????

Am I the only one that sees what a huge problem this is becoming for those of us that work our butts off to get good insurance for our children?!?!?! We have to be the ones that get second-rate care??? HUH????

Ainsley is doing much better now. My husband stayed home with her Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and they attempted to nap together and rest. Her fever finally broke on Tuesday and even though she still has the sniffles, there appears to be no evidence of a urinary tract infection. She is still on antibiotics and our doc wants to do an ultrasound on her soon. Apparently young children that have UTI can sustain kidney damage without us knowing. There is also a common disorder that can cause UTIs that he wants to rule out. In my mind, I am telling myself it was one of those freak things and everything is okay. It was so difficult seeing her sick and tired and irritable. I am just so happy that she is smiling again and healing well.

I think I am on the mend, too. Watching her get sick was so difficult, but then Thursday, we took her to daycare for the very first time. I knew it would be hard, but it kind of shocked me how it affected me. Lots of tears, phone calls to check on her, and then a made rush back to pick her up at 3:25 . . . her first day didn't go as well as we had hoped. She did take great naps, which was my main concern, but she didn't eat. I don't know if it was because she was sick or maybe a little nervous. But Friday, she ate normally, which for my little girl is A LOT. And she is sleeping well there and playing and seems happy. When I came to get her Friday, she was sleeping, so I gently rubbed her back and said, "Ainsley . . . " Her head shot up, eyes still closed, and she was beaming. It made my entire day. It helps, too, that she loves her 'teacher' Nina. She has raised four girls of her own and is just the sweetest lady. Ainsley likes to pull her hair.

Allright, I am going to lay down before she wakes up. We are going to a local hotel here that has free outdoor concerts on Saturday evenings. It is so fun to see the kids dancing to the music, which is usually jazz. Ainsley seems to like laying on the quilt and bopping up and down to the music, too. The weather here has been perfect and we are enjoying it.

We made it through 5 days with my mother, my 29th birthday, Ainsley's 8-week marker, and a very heartwrenching visit to the doctor for 2-month shots. Let's just say that by the end of the nurse's explanation and subsequent stab session into my daughter's thigh, I was balling, along with Ainsley, and my husband buried his face into her little body as she clung to his collar like it was a lifepreserver. I spent the rest of the evening administering Tylenol to a screaming baby who had a temperature and a swollen thigh the size of Canada.

Not. Fun.

The good news: the chubbster weighs a whooping 11 pounds, 8 ounces and is otherwise healthy. Below is a picture post-doctor appointment. I dressed her in the St. Patrick's Day outfit my husband bought her while I was pregnant that she now fits into to make my husband calm down and stop checking her leg every five seconds. But we love him anyway.

As I said previously, an update on the poop and such . . .

Poop seems to be more manageable and we have not had a blowout (knock on wood) since I mentioned it previously. However, the fussiness that the Enfamil Gentlease is supposed to help with is still around. It is so hard to tell if it is better because she does have really good days. I have no idea if she has an allergy to lactose, if she just has gas, if she could have reflux (which is really what I lean towards since she spits up A LOT) or if she is just being fussy to be fussy/colic/whatever else I didn't cover.

The plan is to discuss all of the above with the pediatrican next week for her 2-month check-up, which I am a bit nervous about because of the abundance of shots she should be receiving. I hovered in the hallway when she had her second PKU test done at a month old because I just can't handle her being in pain and me not being able to do anything about it. (Mu husband loved her and kissed her during her latest pricking and she was fine.) I can't even take my dog to the vet to get her nails clipped, what on Earth makes me think I could handle her getting shots? So . . I scheduled the appointment for when my Mom will be here for a few days next week and when my husband is out of work so I have two people to cover for me while I nervously pace the hall and plug my ears.

My birthday is also next week, which is originally how we convinced my Mom she should come to visit again so we can go out and see a movie and eat massive amounts of sushi for "THE BIG 29"! This, of course, is when all birthday celebrations end anyway, right? My Mom and I do manage not to kill each other now, as long as we only discuss Ainsley and nothing else. This also includes how I raise her - she also cannot touch that subject matter either.

As for the little princess and her beauty sleep . . . (I will talk quietly so she cannot hear me and decide to change her mind on the way she has been doing things around here) . . . we are officially getting more sleep now. Surprisingly enough, my impression of "sleeping through the night" and the many thousands of book's definitions are not the same. Apparently sleeping through the night is when a baby/child sleeps in at least a 5 hour stretch. (ha! that is NOT the whole night though! Come ON!) Anyway, according to the books' definitions, she is sleeping through the night about 90% of the time now. We usually put her down between 9pm and 10pm and she ends up waking up to feed at about 3am-4am, and usually we can get her back down for another hour or two. It is easier, but I am still patiently waiting for the night when she sleeps 12 hours. Oh heaven!

The new issue, though . . . . her nap times seem to be getting shorter and shorter. Now what?

Here is my buttercup . . . .


And here is where she decides to crash after fussing . . . .

Tomorrow is seven weeks since Ainsley's birth.

Today I started my period again.

It feels strange to know that I could start the whole "TTC" process over again already if I wanted to. Which, I want to, but not now, not when she is so little.

As my OB said at my 6-week post-partum checkup last week, "Please don't pull a Britney and give your body at least a year to heal."

So, I am back on the pill. Just . . . strange, I guess.

*Updates on the formula and poop drama to come. I am sure you are all just waiting at the edge of your seats.