Becoming a Mother Afterall

Okay, so I think I am going to remove the password protection and just keep her pictures, or at least the majority of them, on Ainsley's photoblog. A few people already have the user name and password for it and if you end up wanting it, please just email me.

Jenn made an interesting comment. It makes sense, Jenn. Why would someone want to password protect their blog just to keep the creep-os from looking at their child when they could (and inevitably will) see them in public? I don't quite know how to answer that except to say that I feel like I have some control on who is looking at her in public. (at least at this age) With her pictures on the internet, I can't *see* who is looking at her and when. The hair just stands up on my arms thinking about it, really. I am not sure where this fear comes from, but I could give you some background on when I realized how many predators there really are out there.

In college, my undergraduate degree was in Social Work and Sociology. The FBI agent who arrested a famous pop star here in Las Vegas many years ago at a local hotel for various things, along with a disgusting set of child pornography, said that it made him sick to see some of the things he found in his hotel room. He, of course, did not disclose all of that information and I am certainly not attempting to piss off any fans out there. Personally, I think he has gotten away with so many horrible things all because of money and fame. He is a waste of breath.

Anyway, the same FBI agent told us that he began working many years ago for a unit that handled sexual predators and he began investigating many local cases of child predators. He began researching their behaviors, documenting the similarities, and looking for clues on how to catch other predatory criminals. One thing he said he learned when talking to another agent who apparently had, at that time, written a book on child predators, was that if you really open your eyes . . . you will see they are everywhere. The local fast-food joint, the street outside an elementary school, the mall, anywhere. The agent began taking note of men that loitered around establishments that housed children. He went to 10 local casino arcades and watched men standing outside many of them, staring at children. He took notes, observed behaviors. He became so aware of what he was seeing that later that month at his 7-year old daughter's soccer game, he noticed a man taking pictures of the game and he realized he was not a father of any of the girls. He approached the man. He asked who he was taking pictures of. The man ran. He was tackled by the agent and two other fathers. He had a long rap sheet and was arrested that very day. The photos? All zoomed in pictures of the lower half of the girls. Horrifying.

So, for one of my final projects, I chose five local places that I thought were public enough that I could observe without being noticed and places that all had varying ages of children around. I chose a local mall, a toy store, a large city park, a municipal swimming pool, and an after school program at a Boys and Girls Club. I went to each location at least 5 times over a two month period and at different times of the day. Sometimes I saw nothing out of the ordinary. But as time passed, I picked up on a few things. At the park, I took notice of a young, handsome man walking his dog on three different occasions. Each time, he started a conversation with a group of boys playing basketball. It was almost as if he steered his way to the courts to get their attention. Could have been nothing, but it could have been everything. There were other instances where I couldn't be sure, but that I just *had that feeling* that something was off with the person.

At school this year, we have had two instances where someone came on campus and attempted to approach a student. In one case, the man entered a portable classroom that was unlocked and grabbed the girl nearest to the door and drug her out. The teacher was able to wrestle the girl away and the police were called. He was, indeed, a parent of another girl at our location, but he said, "He thought the girl was his daughter." It wasn't. Because our school is under construction, I also approached a construction worker at the beginning of school that was clearly oogling two of my female students. I gave him the tongue lashing of a lifetime and reported him to his supervisor. I wasn't sure he would do anything, so I called the company, too, later that afternoon. Needless to say, I haven't seen him since.

Maybe I am overeacting some, but I just feel like it is my duty to protect Ainsley from these horrible people as best as I can. I know some other online friends only show pictures of their child when their face is turned. Some simply show them for a few hours and then remove the picture. To each their own. I am fine with whatever choices everyone makes. But for me, I just feel more comfortable knowing to some degree who is looking at her and for how long. Even in public, as I said above, it is hard to really see who is watching. And I know it is highly unlikely that anyone would be prowling blogs for pictures of babies. But I just have to say, "What if?" and treat her as precious cargo. She is the biggest piece of me and carries my heart. If I could always keep her safe, I would. Feasibly, this is something I do have some power over right now, so I will do my best to keep her sacred.

Okay, Grey's is getting ready to come on. I will work on the blog tomorrow. In the meantime, let me know your thoughts or if you would like a password to her photoblog. Happy Thursday!

Ten *New* Things that I Love About My Daughter:
1. Seeing those four pearly whites when she smiles. It is almost as if she knows to show them off!
2. Watching her listen intently to my commands. "Ainsley, can I have the book?" She focuses on me, then on the book in her hand, and then slowly hands it to me.
3. The way she "kisses" the duck while in the bathtub. "Ainsley! Kiss the duck!" She smiles but can't quite pucker her lips, so she just open-mouths the duck's head.
4. Her newfound independence while crusing the furniture is amazing. She doesn't even hold on anymore, just slightly grazes one hand over the couch cushions and walks from Daddy to Mommy, switches sides, and then from Mommy to Daddy.
5. Her happy scream, which has turned into the loudest thing I have ever heard! Her favorite person to scream at is Hunter, her new friend at daycare. They actually chase each other around the room, screaming and laughing hysterically.
6. The way she now lets us take her clothes off at night and also dress her in the mornings. As long as she has a book to look at, a wipe to swing in the air, or a off-key song from her Mom and Dad, all is good.
7. Spitting up has slowed down A LOT! Ya-hoo!
8. The way she signs the word "more". I haven't been signing with her and I am not 100% sure how I feel about it, but the one sign, "More?" she has picked up from watching another teacher and boy at daycare. I started doing it at home a few weeks ago at dinner and she signs it by putting her fingers to her lips. She signs "More!" for her fruit puffs, her favorite flavor being Sweet Potato or Peach.
9. The way she closes her eyes right before her butt hits the floor or right before she is about to hit her head on something. (toy, book, etc.) She knows it may hurt and she flinches - it is funny!
10. Lastly, I love the way she curls my hair around her fingers at night when I am rocking her to sleep. For the past few nights, she has signaled to us she is ready for bed by standing up while holding onto the rocking chair, reaching for her bottle, and moaning, "nnnnnnnnn". We say "night, night" to her when we turn off the lights, so I think she could be 'saying' that.

This age has held so many new discoveries. I remember in the beginning how she changed and grew so quickly and now it seems every time I turn around, she is not quite the same little girl she was 10 minutes before that. Tomorrow we are going here to try out a class for her age group. I am so excited because I reached out to another Mom in our daycare and she is going to meet us there.

Feeling blessed today . . .

This Smiles-by-Wire thing is pretty nifty. I would have ordered it before when we got her pictures done, but I didn't even know it existed.

(*Pictures removed.) These were taken last weekend for her 9-month pictures. It was really hard to get her to stay in place, so of course we have a lot of funny ones of her crawling. I looked at the guy and said, "Could you please give her something?" He threw a teddy bear out there and she picked it up and looked at it like, "What the hell is this thing??" The flowers were more interesting and had more to study . . very intensely, apparently.

All is going okay here. I promise I will try to post something with a little more "meat" soon. Look for upcoming posts on our latest discussion on baby #2** (no, not pregnant, but starting to 'think' about the next one) and how our educational system is failing my students. Oh yeah, and one on my extended dysfunctional family drama. It just might make you feel like your own is . . . not so crazy.

**Might I add that I am being really positive about actually having another baby. There is a huge part of me that worries I may never have another because I will miscarry again and again, like before. So, all this talk is the optimist in me, I guess.

I know how much you wanted to hear about how Ainsley is sick again, right? God my measily 6 weeks of breastmilk must have been like tap water to her. I actually don't know if she is sick-sick or if it is teething-sick. Her nose is running up a storm and she has a slight cough. We were up a lot last night. Does anyone else still get up in the middle of the night (sometimes for no apparent reason) to comfort their nearly 9-month old? I was so hoping those days were over! (not the having to comfort her, but the solid sleep pattern we had for, oh, 8 weeks or so. . . . sigh . . . )

Anyway, we had some gift cards to *cash in* today, so we made our way through one of the more fancy, touristy malls here in LV. I went into Children's Place because Ainsley has now grown out of all 6-9 month clothing and even some 12-month things, so I am looking for 12-18 month outfits and 18 month outfits. I browsed through the sale rack and picked out a few things and did what I always do while trying to talk to her, pick up her sippy cup off the floor 456 times, and put her socks back on . . . I hung the clothes on the stroller as I walked around.

Yeah.

Made it all the way to the parking garage with baby in tow (and husband) before I realized that I had some rather cute outfits still hanging from the stroller. It is truly a miracle I don't leave the house in my pajamas, I swear.

I don't really consider myself a competitive person. Unless it comes to trivial pursuit. So why is it lately that I feel like I am not a great parent and everyone is doing a far better job than me??

I don't know where this is coming from. I may just be tired from all of the sickness. Mike was sick over the holidays, Ainsley was sick (twice), and I was sick, but couldn't actually be sick because, you know, who would do everything? Ainsley is teething up canine teeth, apparently, and I hate.every.damn.second.of.it.

This morning, I hadn't even been up 45 minutes when she began the wail-session of the century. For some reason, it put me in such a bad place, I actually had to go get a tissue to wipe my eyes. She has been hanging onto my pants and I am assuming the holidays have given her a bit of separation-anxiety because I am not allowed to leave the room to pee, shower, or fold the laundry. I have been trying to let her be some, crying/pouting or not. But she crawls almost as fast as I can walk, so tonight I actually tripped on her as I walked out of the room.

I guess I just feel . . .blah. I called the friend I mentioned in a previous post and granted, her daughter is a few months younger. But she never seems to have the cranky-baby issues I have and just absolutely loves staying at home with her all day. After nearly three weeks off and very little time to myself, I am starting to actually look forward to going back to work. In my mind, I feel like that is a horrible wish to have because I love Ainsley so much. In turn, I think that makes me feel self-conscious as a parent and I am always like, "Wow! Look how awesome that Mom or Dad is with their child!" or "Look how patient they are!"

Please someone tell me I am not alone.

Dear Ainsley,

Please sit down in your crib. You are scaring Mommy. Yesterday you pulled yourself up on the humidifier and then held on with one hand while you cruised the outside of your crib.

Oh, and this not-eating thing? What is THAT about? You have been a little piglet since the moment I saw you, so why is it now you have no desire to eat? Is it the teeth? Don't you understand that if you don't eat now then you wake up your Mommy and Daddy at various times of the night to eat and it is not that we don't love you, but you would have slept better (and us) if you had taken care of this earlier. I know, mean Mommy. I love you, honey. But dear Lord, I am a walking sleepless zombie.

Love,
Mommy

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Dear Target,

Our relationship is officially over. It was so, so good. You gave me exactly what I needed and sometimes you even cut me a really good deal. Tonight, however, I met up with your evil side. Did Christmas make you nasty and unwilling to work with your customers? I came in to return three photo shelves. No, I didn't have my receipt, but all I was asking was to exchange them for smaller ones. But your policy is that you won't let me get anything that costs LESS than what I PAID, only something more expensive or equivalent. WTF? I didn't even want my change! You would have MADE money off of me? When I looked, there were NO CHEAPER SHELVES! And your manager, Mr. A.K.A Bad-Haircut, actually threatened to remove me from the store!!! Why? I didn't even raise my voice!!! Was it because he was suddenly faced with a voice of reason? P.S. Your bathrooms are disgusting.

Sincerely,
X-Customer

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Dear Mr. Science-Guy,

Is it worse to have pesticide sprayed inside my house or to have scorpions running around? Because I have killed two scorpions inside my house, feet from my daughter who puts everything in her mouth, since we moved in. Which is the lesser of two evils?

Sincerely,
Totally-Wigged-Out-Mommy-Turned-Bug-Killer

Oh dear Lord I am tired.

My 12-hour a night sleeper is still sleeping 12 hours, but wakes up every few hours to scream and tell me in baby language how much it sucks that her teeth are coming in, that she can now get up on her knees in the crib and see the floor (and much worse, the door, which is closed and Mommy and Daddy aren't coming in it, so she screams more) and she screams just to scream.

Yesterday there was one tooth in the morning. At bedtime there was two. Who knew a tooth could move that fast??

We are officially on vacation, my husband until January 2nd and me until January 16th. Why is it that I am always more tired on vacation than when I am working? Is my daughter going to sleep again regularly anytime soon or should I get back to napping at the same time as her because that is all I am going to get?

Final question for my dear friends . . . her "teacher" suggested I bring her in a few times while on vacation because she wants her to stay in the daycare routine, etc. Plus she really loves being able to play with the other kids. Most of the kids are on vacation, so in her room it would just be her and the two boys she loves. But I feel guilty even considering this!! Would it be wrong of me to take her next week for two days for a few hours?

Ainsley got a rotovirus from daycare and has a combination yeast infection from the antibiotics to treat her urinary tract infection two weeks ago. She is in good spirits, thankfully, but has an immense amount of diarrhea that seems to leak out of her butt every five minutes. Her butt is sore, my hands are tired of wiping and wiping and cleaning and changing and peeling off crib sheets twice a day, etc. For some reason, the past few nights have been so peaceful as I rock her to sleep. She gently clutches my hand and wraps her fingers around mine, then will bring the other hand up to touch my lips. I cried tonight because I get overwhelmed with how much I love her sometimes and knowing that she will never be smaller than she is today makes me so sad, in a strange way. She is growing up so fast . . .

When I took Ainsley to her doctor this afternoon, I asked the doctor about his son, who was born the night before the attacks that shook our world on Sept. 11th, 2001. He is just a sweetheart, but I have often wondered why he never had more children. He candidly told me that his wife had 7 miscarriages before his son finally arrived and they felt like they could not go through the chance of losing more children again. They are also both in their forties now.

I won't ever forget what it was like to long for a baby, and then lose hope when some random ER doctor tells you that you will not carry this pregnancy anymore and you need a D & C. But I don't know what it is like to lose a baby after I have seen their sweet face and held them close to me. Tonight as I fiddled around online, I stumbled upon this site through another I enjoy reading. It details the story of a mother and midwifery student who just recently homebirthed her third daughter and lost her all in a few hours. I balled, read almost compulsively, and went in and touched Ainsley's face and reminded myself how unbelievably lucky I am to have her here with me.

Ainsley is just EVERYWHERE. It went from a rollover here and there to rolling over EVERY SINGLE TIME I TRY TO CHANGE HER. I am pinning her down and she is screaming because she wants to crawl and just quite can't figure it out yet, so she "swims" on the floor and grabs the carpet to pull herself along. It is funny how fast they change.

As I was watching her today, I realized that there are a lot of things that I bought or received before she arrived that I NEVER needed, along with a few items I could not live without. What items fit these categories for you and your little one? Below is my list.

Items I never needed:

Bottle warmer
Baby sling (she hated it)
Baby vibrating chair (she lasts about 5 minutes in it)
Pajamas with feet (too hot and she is swaddled already)

Items I have put to good use:

Fisher-Price Changeable Play Gym - she still LOVES it
bottle rack and extra bottles - (we never seem to have enough)
Extra crib sheets and burp cloths (spit-up queen)

Seven more days until school is over. My class of 34 is hot, tired, and ready to spend whatever summer is left not in school. I don't blame them. The air conditioning in our 40+ year old school is on the fritz. I want it to be over as fast as they do. I miss being with Ainsley during the day. And while it makes things so much easier knowing she is with her Dad, I am a little jealous that I am not at home with her. Seeing her face when I come home is the greatest feeling in the world.

Other than ending the year with the fourth/soon-to-be fifth graders, I am just plain exhausted. I think Ainsley is teething. Last night she got up twice, which hasn't happened in a long time. She is wiggling out of her swaddle in the middle of the night and then scoots around her crib until she either wedges her head against the side or smashes her face on the wood and ends up screaming. But everyone told me to remove the freaking bumper from the crib so she doesn't suffocate?!? And now she is rolling over pretty well with little assistance on the floor, so I am mortified that she will roll over in her swaddle and then suffocate that way. So, sleep is, to say the least, not solid.

Does anyone have suggestions on what to do about the whole swaddling thing and rolling over thing? If I put her down unswaddled, she wakes up in 15 minutes and then won't sleep.

The little one eats organic oatmeal now, too. She is a piglet and chows down well.