Becoming a Mother Afterall

Sometimes you don't realize how freaking boring your blog is until you go back and read. Before Ainsley arrived and I was in the throws of miscarriage nightmares, infertility, temping blah blah, I actually had a couple of witty posts. I am not a fabulous writer like this person or this person or even this one. But I didn't really suck. Now? I read a post recently that attracted my attention. I am not on her blogroll because of the password protection (I think) but I immediately started thinking about my last, let's say, 50 posts. Let me sum it up for you in a few words.

Sickness, baby stuff, bitching and whining, more baby stuff, happiness at new milestones, and babybabybaby.

I have to do something to make this more interesting. Is anyone falling asleep yet? Is that why my readers have dropped off?

I'm off to shower and contemplate how to make the blog a little more . . . . hip and a little less . . . . dull.

P.S. Silly Hilly, if you are reading this, please please please send me your information so I can see your blog!!!!! I miss you and now I can't get to you!!!

P.P.S. Is there anyone that would be interested in helping me design a header for the the blog? (I don't even know what it is *technically* called.)

Well, let's see. I had things I wanted to talk about here, none I am sure of which you want to actually hear about.

Ainsley seems to be getting better slowly. She is coughing much less. We put multiple humidifiers in her room and I think that is helping. I have been praying that we have at least two months where there is no sickness in our house, so let's see if someone is listening.

Work sucks. I love my students. But I hate the political pansy-ass b.s. that our district is trying to conform to thanks to the No-Child-Left-Behind Act, a.k.a No-Child-Left-Untested. I love my principal, but the assistant principal is going to make me lose my mind. I remember my first few years teaching, I always felt so lucky that my principal would walk in during a killer-lesson where every child was engaged or I was doing some wonderful hands-on activity with them. This year? My assistant principal has walked in during the most awful moments. Everyone knows the big no-no for a teacher is to see them sitting down, unless they are assessing a student. When I was pregnant, I was sitting by noon everyday and I didn't even care if anyone walked in. My feet hurt and my bladder was splitting open. Now I have no excuses, but we are under construction at our school and I have to walk an insane amount more than I ever have before and I wear cheap shoes because I don't make enough damn money, so my feet hurt. I sat down today in one of my students' groups and discussed their project. She walked in. She hates me. She doesn't care that I have a great relationship with my administrator. I am telling you - she is out to get me. What I really want is to get an endoresement to teach gifted children in a program we have here in Nevada, but the four classes I need total $3200. Did I mention I don't make enough money?

Which leads me to my taxes. I changed my witholding last year and forgot to change it back, hoping to increase my monthly checks during my maternity leave. The result? We are not getting any money back. Matter of fact, we have to pay. And I was *counting* on the money to partially pay for my endoresement, pay off a few small bills, and finish our sideyard. Now? I am trying to figure out what in the hell to do. I am too afraid to lie on my taxes, even though I know an area where I could feasibly do it and we could get a little money back in the end. What is sad is I am not afraid of getting audited, but I am afraid of karma. Knowing me, my karmic resolution would be more miscarriages. I can't believe I think this way.

Which leads me to my thoughts on having more children. I am getting that itch again. Ainsley is changing far faster than I ever imagined. Yesterday after she threw her bottle across the backseat of the car and screamed, "UH-OHHHHHH Maaa!" I have been having dreams about her being a big sister and how wonderful she would be. She has learned what "nice touching" means. (She no longer has the desire to rip the other kids' eyes out. Instead, she pats them somewhat gently.) So our evening talks have lead to the concensus that if I can get my ass in shape and lose a little more weight, we *may* start trying again at the end of this year. I started charting again, not temping or looking for ovulation, but charting to see how regular my cycles are. I guess if all goes as planned, we will start up the Prometrium again in the fall to prepare. Time will tell.

I also mentioned my family has drama. Both my grandmothers have suddenly lost their marbles and are in need of one-on-one care. They have both lived without their husbands for many, many years, but both are actually physically fighting with my parents about what the next step should be. Their cars have been taken away in fear they will kill themselves or some small child. My paternal grandmother, who is quite wealthy, just went and took a cab to the local dealer and bought a new car. That is about the time my father put her in his car and drove her back to his home halfway across the U.S. They are trying to figure out what to do. It is a mess. He said yesterday she looked at him and said, "The vodka is chasing the chinamen." (?!?!?!?) In the next breath, she will recite the history of the first World War. And to top it all off, Mike's grandmother has been diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. It is overwhelming, at times.

So, that is about it. What's new in your world?

So, we are trying to get better here. But this croup-crap stinks. I hope that my little one feels better soon. Along with the meds from the doc for her breathing, we are trying some herbal remedies with eucalyptus from a lovely Venezualan lady at my work.

Anyway, don't read too much into this and I will try to explain later. But have you ever known anyone that wasn't so honest on their taxes? (This could be a highly personal question, so you could just call yourself "Bob" if you don't want me to know you actually did it . . . hahahaha.) Were there any repercussions down the line? Have you ever known anyone that was audited?

Explanations forthcoming . . . .

Wow! Isn't this crazy?

Not even sure what to think of it, but if these doctors can make this happen, I can imagine, despite the risks, it would make a lot of women very, very happy.

*Random thoughts on baby showers: I went to a fully-catered baby shower yesterday for another teacher that got more for her baby than I think all of the women on my blog roll have combined. I sat there for a good hour, patiently waiting for her to open my gift, and I realized something was building up inside of me. On the short drive home, I realized that I am obviously never fully going to be over the difficulties I encountered trying to have Ainsley because I was jealous. Isn't this horrifying? Not jealous of her shower or the gifts, persay, but envious that is was so easy for her. I don't fully understand this, but I have been craving another baby the past few days. I know, I know. Wacky. I told my husband my feelings last night and he said gently, "Sweetie, I will make sure we get up to feed Ainsley every two hours tonight. And drink lots of water before bed so you have to pee all night. And strap these bags of flour to your body. Oh yeah, and set the alarm for 4:30 am." Because we forget all of that, the beginning parts that are so hard.

In the end, it is all worth it. And while I don't think I am ready quite yet, we did talk about having another baby three times today and how great it would be to see Ainsley with a baby brother or sister.

All in due time, hopefully.

When I was seventeen, I met my first husband. (I didn't know that he would eventually be my husband at the time, of course.) He came with a mean temperment, yet a big heart, and Chloe, his (then) pit/lab mix, came with him as a package deal. We moved in together shortly after high school. I told the shortened version of our stormy relationship here.

Now here I am, many years later . . . . with a totally different life, a life I am so much happier in. I have a baby that fills my days with joy. (and a better husband, too.) And I still have Chloe, the now 14-year old dog that I made mine when I met my first husband. Ironically, I left the marriage with mounds of debt and left every material possession to him, but I took Chloe. I wasn't about to let him raise her when he could barely raise himself.

Here is my issue: Chloe's quality of life is fair. She is on prescription dog food, thyroid medication, and a pain pill to relieve any issues she sometimes gets with sore hips. She still eats, drinks, shits, but mostly sleeps. She is 85% deaf, but her eyesight seems decent, although she recently developed cataracts. She has a series of fatty tumors on her front chest area, but they aren't cancerous and don't seem to bother her at all. She doesn't like to play anymore, but is always happy to see us and sleeps next to our bed every night. She is very sweet and never showed any jealousy towards Ainsley when she arrived.

Now that Ainsley is crawling at the speed of light and almost walking, Chloe has a different perspective of her. I think it is a cross between annoyance and apathy. And what stinks is that I feel like I have to separate them when they are in the same room because while Chloe has never "bitten" anyone, she has never been around children and that makes her, in my mind, somewhat unpredictable. While I was in labor, actually, my friend K came over to feed her and brought her toddler and Chloe nipped at him and growled at him. Chloe is just old and I don't think she wants to share her house with another "small animal".

I don't know how much longer Chloe will make it. She doesn't have doggie dementia or anything, but she nipped in Ainsley's direction for the first time tonight. It is A LOT of work to keep them apart and it is supposed to snow here tonight, so Chloe is inside. I don't think it is fair to shove Chloe in a room when she has been used to roaming the house for 14 years and doing what she wants. But at the same time, I don't know if it is fair to take the chance that Ainsley could possibly get nipped by Chloe.

Chloe does have all of the signs of late-stage aging, according to our vet. Plus she has been losing her hair in chunks and let's just say that is NOT something that I am enjoying constantly cleaning, vacuuming up, and then taking out of Ainsley's mouth every two seconds. It feels like this house is never clean anymore since that has started happening. I also once read on someone's blog, but I can't remember who it was, about how when you have children, you often times have less patience for your animals. I hate feeling that way.

My childhood dog was kept alive too long, I felt, and when my Mom finally put her down, she had declined so quickly. I don't ever want Chloe to be in pain or not know who we are. Do we wait to consider putting her down until she is having a hard time? What do I do when Ainsley is walking?

What would you do?

Allrightie, ladies. Let's talk about your list.

Don't act like you haven't thought about those five yummy men you could have if you were allowed. Actors, singers, sports stars, anyone generally in the limelight. Remember the "Friends" episode where they revised their list of 5? Hilarious! But really, I am listing mine specifically because I would still like to bask in the glow of the most erotic dream I had last night about my #1 and #2 men. (Oh yes, they were both there.) Maybe I am ovulating or something.

1. Channing Tatum
2. Derek Jeter
3. Gale Harold
4. Mickey Rourke, but only in the 80s. He is gross now.
5. Patrick Dempsey (*My Grey's Anatomy addiction explained.) Does anyone remember that old movie "Can't Buy Me Love?" he was in??

Now, who is on your list???

Dear Ainsley,

Please sit down in your crib. You are scaring Mommy. Yesterday you pulled yourself up on the humidifier and then held on with one hand while you cruised the outside of your crib.

Oh, and this not-eating thing? What is THAT about? You have been a little piglet since the moment I saw you, so why is it now you have no desire to eat? Is it the teeth? Don't you understand that if you don't eat now then you wake up your Mommy and Daddy at various times of the night to eat and it is not that we don't love you, but you would have slept better (and us) if you had taken care of this earlier. I know, mean Mommy. I love you, honey. But dear Lord, I am a walking sleepless zombie.

Love,
Mommy

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Dear Target,

Our relationship is officially over. It was so, so good. You gave me exactly what I needed and sometimes you even cut me a really good deal. Tonight, however, I met up with your evil side. Did Christmas make you nasty and unwilling to work with your customers? I came in to return three photo shelves. No, I didn't have my receipt, but all I was asking was to exchange them for smaller ones. But your policy is that you won't let me get anything that costs LESS than what I PAID, only something more expensive or equivalent. WTF? I didn't even want my change! You would have MADE money off of me? When I looked, there were NO CHEAPER SHELVES! And your manager, Mr. A.K.A Bad-Haircut, actually threatened to remove me from the store!!! Why? I didn't even raise my voice!!! Was it because he was suddenly faced with a voice of reason? P.S. Your bathrooms are disgusting.

Sincerely,
X-Customer

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Dear Mr. Science-Guy,

Is it worse to have pesticide sprayed inside my house or to have scorpions running around? Because I have killed two scorpions inside my house, feet from my daughter who puts everything in her mouth, since we moved in. Which is the lesser of two evils?

Sincerely,
Totally-Wigged-Out-Mommy-Turned-Bug-Killer

I am in a funk and that really sucks since it is Christmas time and I should be happy and excited and . . . merry. Below I have composed a list which I will entitle, "All Things That Make Me Scroogish and Un-Merry When I Should Be Otherwise".

1. My husband is sick. Again. And he is never sick. And when he is sick, he turns into this whiney version of Bart Simpson and I really just want to choke him because he wants help, but then doesn't accept it, but then wants Harry and David soup, but then says that it made him sick, but then he wants chicken, but then he doesn't eat it.

2. Ainsley's vocabulary has changed and I am starting to feel a little jealous of Mr. Bottle. She was saying very specifically, "Mama!" and "Dada!" to us. And "Ppppppp" for our dog, whom we tenderly refer to as a puppy even though she is older than God. She also said "bababa" for her bottle. When she has her bottle, she lovingly twirls it around and moans softly to it and then teases it a little and then shoves it in her mouth and pulls it out, stares at it, and laughs at it like it is her friend. Now? Now she screams, "MAMAMAMAMA!" at her bottle. "Bababa" is no longer apparent and of course "Dada" is still sticking around. Me? I am just that lady who wipes her butt.

3. There has been a change in administration at my school this year and to make a long story short, I am having difficulties adjusting to a new personality at my school. And I think she is out to get me. She has so far caught me on a multitude of things that she says I am doing incorrectly and today I balled my eyes out for half an hour because her comments make me second-guess myself and I shouldn't have to do that. My kid's test scores show so much growth. Apparently she thinks that is just a fluke. How is it that in one day I have two parents tell me that I have been the changing factor in their child's education and how they appreciate my hard work, but then she tells me that I don't engage my children during a lesson. WTF? I had perfect evaluations two weeks ago from the other administrator. And now half the school is ready to leave because she is hounding them about these miniscule, tiny things.

4. Ainsley is teething up a storm and is super-cranky. One tooth has broken through and the second is right there behind it. I am exhausted from not getting enough sleep because she wakes up crying a few times here and there, which in turn wakes me up.

5. I can't remember #5.

6. I need new brakes on the 4 Runner and I am stretched too thin because of Christmas.

7. MY Dad came and installed gates on our stairs for the baby, but he had to rig them a certain way because our stairs don't accomodate the gates well. Now I am worried she is going to go flying down the stairs. She pulled herself up last night on the bannister and then screamed because she couldn't figure out how to get down.

I am worn out . . .

Oh my, how quickly things change.

My daughter, after recovering from whatever the hell was bugging her belly for way too many freakin' days, is officially all over the place. The days of laying her down on the floor in one place to play are officially gone. I used to be able to bring her into my bedroom in the mornings and I could get ready while she played on the floor with her toys. Now? She chases the dog down the hallway, screaming at the top of her lungs because our dog thinks she is some evil mini-me and wants nothing to do with her. Did I mention that we don't have gates yet?

This morning (after a particularly tiresome chase-the baby epidsode in which she basically tried to put the dog's tail in her mouth) I decided all of this physical exertion has got to be getting me somewhere. Apparently I was right about something because folks, I officially fit back into three pairs of my old pants. And they are not even my fat pants. Can I get a hell yeah??

Anyway, other than that, life is the same. I am looking forward to Christmas break. I am off from December 15th through January 15th. Ainsley is transitioning to the next baby room at daycare now that she is mobile. The defensive Mom in me wanted to argue with the director because I secretly want her to stay with her two current teachers, but when I picked her up today, I can see how difficult it can be with one who crawls and a 12-week old who is just sitting there, minding her own business, when some wild, crazy baby wanders over to take away her toy and then bat at her forehead like it is a ball. Um, yeah, I don't know what baby did that.

On the blog front, I think something is in the water, too, because holy cow! Suddenly like half my blog roll is pregnant! That is precisely why I am going to drink juice for a while . . . .

I swear I drafted this entire post in my head while I was trying to fall asleep last night. I do my best writing in my head, when I am nowhere near a computer. Somehow when I finally get a chance to sit down, it all comes out backwards and so NOT what I imagined it to originally be. Maybe once we become mothers, lists just make more sense.

1. Kier, I read your post. Congratulations! I had not read your blog before you took it down and now I can't find your e-mail address anywhere. I would love to talk to you about everything and see what your plans are for your blog, if you have any. Please e-mail me.

2. As you can see, Ainsley has her first blog over on the side. I am also password protecting this one because there are entirely too many creepy freaks out there. So, even though I am 99.9% sure of everyone who has the password for this site, I am asking that if you are interested in viewing her page, you e-mail me for the password.

3. Speaking of creepy people, a co-worker gave me this link to the National Sex Offenders Registry. It is called "Family Watchdog" and you can type in any address in the United States and it actually gives you a map with addresses and pictures of known sex offenders (and other criminals) near that address. I, of course, entered my home address and was pleased to see no offenders within walking distance to my home. But I entered in my school address and was totally blown away by how many live within 1500 hundred feet of my school. Two live next door to one of my female students. So, yeah, I am never going to sleep again.

4. Ainsley has figured out how to turn on and off the toy aquarium in her crib. Suprisingly enough, I think it soothes her because she always goes right back to sleep when the music starts. And no, she didn't sit up in her crib like that. I placed her there a few days ago. (Duh, Sara, now she knows how to work it, thanks to you.)

5. My husband and I are going on our third date tomorrow since the baby was born. When my Mom came to visit when she was 8 weeks old, we went and got a bite to eat. But that really didn't count because we called every ten minutes and missed her the entire time and couldn't even order dessert. My friend Kathy came over in August when Ainsley was 4 months old and we went to dinner and a movie. We got home at eleven pm and then Ainsley was up at midnight, so we were too tired to try to do it again. Cue Ainsley's amazing ability to now sleep 12 hours a night, knock on wood, so one of her "teachers" at her daycare came to watch her last month and we went out for dinner and a movie again. It was so nice to get a chance to get away and be together, just the two of us, for just a few hours. Well, Mike turned 30 last week and he had the flu, so Ainsley's teacher is coming over tomorrow evening again and we are going to go eat seafood and drink lots of wine! Woo-hoo!

6. Santa arrives tomorrow at my local mall. Do you know when someone was telling me about this that I actually thought in my head how cool it would be to someday get my child's picture taken with Santa. Then I remembered I actually have a baby now. ?!?!?! Does this ever happen to you?? Like I still feel slightly jealous when I see a pregnant woman, yet I haven't been sleeping just thinking (and worrying some) that I might be pregnant again? What the hell is wrong with me??

7. I have started contemplating what to get the little one for Christmas. Is it really strange that I look at the tag on toys now? Because really, the tag, to her, is the best part. She really is not that interested in the toy that much, only if she can play with the tag. (sigh) What are your plans for Christmas??